How Evan went blind.

Me-
i just took a huge bong rip and called NY state unemployment

Evan-
heroic

Me-
this could get messy

Evan-
dont worry, you'll be on hold long enough for your high to run out

Me-
they told me to "Try again later" I yelled "Well I'll be stoned then too!"

Evan-
AHHAHHAHHS

Me-
omg
I said the dirtiest thing to this viking i'm talking to
it was hilarious

Evan-
spill it

Me-
haha
I told him that my vagina was neat like Ikea. (you have to write down what you want with a golf pencil and someone will assist you.)

Evan-
ahahhahahahahhaa
so good

Me-
....and everything is do it yourself

Evan-

oh.

my.

god.

Me-
do you like my fb pic... it is SO 90's

Evan-
hahaha SO make-out club

Me-
I'm also doing an imitation of a lion cub yawning

Evan-
ahhah i love it

Me-
where is makeoutclub when you need it?

Evan-
i have friends who got married from it
Evan-
DOOOOOOMMMMEDD!

Me-
i had a dude from it.
AND i met my 2 big bro bffs there.

Evan-
wow

Me-
i still talk to the dude all of the time

Evan-
wow

Me-
that reminds me..i have a sext to answer.

every day I either wake up with a text from you or him

Evan-
ahhaha
we are fighting for your ikea zone

Me-
well it's cheap but everything ends up being hot glued together anyway.

Evan
hahahahaaaa
i just laughed so hard i went blind for a second

Me-
lol
this is seriously the best fb chat yet

Evan-
i love this chat
chat roulette
we should write a movie

Me-
oh ghod
we should

Evan-
where we find our identical twins on chatroulette

Me-
lol
but it's just you and me

Evan-
but it will be embarassing bc i will be jerking off while it happens
ahhahahaa
awesome

Me-
but we are like "WOW the similarity is UNCANY!"
its like Twins 2

Evan-
lets write a movie about how you and i are the only people who are left on chatroullette

Me-
You are Devito

Evan-
ahahhaha
totally
totes

Me-
and we have to repopulate chat roulette
but its just cybering

Evan-
hahaha i smell a blockbuster

Me-
mel gibson will direct

Evan-
now that FB movie is coming out, we need to capitalize
there will be a jacuzzi scene

Me-
It will be like Showgirls and Twins met on Make out club and had a baby.

Dios

When I was 8 years old my mom plopped me down in front of the babysitter/tv to watch what would become my all time favorite movie, Harold and Maude. Along with my love for this movie came a love for cemeteries. My first real date a boy took me in a 1968, cherry red, Chevelle station wagon to the cemetery at sunset and we listened to Joy Division. It was love. Not with the boy but with the quiet and peace that I found in cemeteries.(and Joy Division) My love for them seemed so natural and I have treated them as parks my entire life. When I moved to Hollywood I had to be sure that I was within walking distance to the Hollywood Forever cemetery because I loved the events that went on there. This past Thursday night I went to my favorite event yet at Hollywood Forever, Dios in the Masonic Temple. While we waited in line with plastic water bottles full of juice and vodka we saw a crowd and a fog roll in through the cemetery gates that made everything look straight out of a movie about the Doors that didn't star Val Kilmer. Girls who were dressed in hand me downs from Woodstock with iphones lighting their faces, I drifted off thinking about what their time travel twitter feed must look like. After a little over an hour of this kind of thinking and almost a whole bottle of my “purse punch”, the doors finally opened. The courtyard at the temple was like something straight out of a southern gothic novel, I seemed to breeze through this area though, I followed the music up the stairs into the theater in the temple. I walked in to what looked like a Church with the pews pushed to the sides and a kaleidoscope of scenes from 60’s home movies being projected on the back wall while extras from That 70’s Show tuned up guitars. I spun on my heel to find my friends to see if they were seeing this and so we could figure out how we all time traveled to get there.
As I turned around I saw a huge 5x4 foot movie poster for Harold and Maude, it was like a positive focal point during a bad trip, I just looked at it and knew that this would be an amazing time.
I grabbed my friend and we sat Indian style on the floor next to a girl who looked like she had eaten one too many sugar cubes, and enjoyed the show. Once Dios started I remembered how much I loved their self titled album, it was so sweet in tune and so biting in lyrics with these great hooks that would sink their teeth into your brain and not leave for days. They played much newer songs than the ones that were on repeat in my ipod but Joel Morales’ voice made all of their songs sound somehow familiar. The sugarcube girl had stood up and started waving her hands over her head and dancing like she was in a field of mud in rose colored glasses. My eyes kept drifting between her and Joel who looks like a super tough Mexican bouncer with the mannerisms of a hippie who opens his mouth and sounds like a mix of Elliot Smith and Bob Dylan. A wave of happiness washed over me and a huge grin spread across my face and then I got a text message reminding me that I live in 2010 (the future!) and that my ride was outside. I gathered myself and my belongings and stood up, I pushed my way down the stairs and into that lovely courtyard where I didn’t spend enough time, and kissed my friend on the cheek and made her promise to “get home safe”. Then I spent the 5 minute walk to my friend’s car reminding myself that I was not in the movie Almost Famous.
I passed through the gates and on to the Hollywood Forever front lawn and I was right back in the future, where I belong.

Public Image Limited

When I saw this year's Coachella line up the one band that really stuck out to me was the reformation of Public Image Limited. I guess that is how Coachella always tricks you into considering driving into the desert to see 15 minutes of some amazing bands and paying $8 for water.
Since Coachella is on the "Mertaugh list"(I'm too old for that shit)I started looking into PIL shows in LA before the musical dust bowl and saw that they were playing for free at Jimmy Kimmel. Since I am on "funemployment" free is the right price for me. We showed up and I immediately noticed that the crowd was different from the usual 16 year old Mexican girl with "myspace hair". Girls with weird chelsea haircuts, guys with combed over bowl cuts sprinkled in to a crowd of power dads who threw on their weekend khakis mid week and came out to rock!
Once Johnny Rotten was in eye sight the crowd started losing their shit, the guy in front of me wearing khaki shorts grabbed his son and said "THIS GUY IS MY HERO!" and I hoped that Johnny didn't hear him and shove his own Crocs down his throat. Johnny himself was wearing track pants, high top sneakers, an over sized black and white button down and a large suit jacket that made him look like he had just returned from Robert Smith's yard sale.
Once everyone was on stage Johnny announced that he was using Jimmy's show as a practice because they had only had a 4 hour practice prior to kicking off their tour.
As I watched Rotten stomp around the stage like a giant destroying a medieval village I was reminded how much I love Johnny's signature vibrato singing style. The 4 song set that included "This is not a Love Song", "Rise" and "Albatross" was surprisingly tight. PIL has had over 38 rotating members and I feel like this is the right line up for the comeback.
After the show Jimmy's people brought out some chairs and he interviewed Johnny Rotten. Johnny revealed that no labels wanted to pay to get them back together so he sold one of their songs to a British butter company and that money was what was funding the tour, making this what I call the "Paula Deen Image Limited tour".

Jennifer Aniston is barren. (allegedly)

Everything about Jen Aniston looks tight...but not in a sexy way...in more of a "wound so tight that she looks like she might implode" kind of way. Every time I see her on a red carpet I wonder if any second a cloud of dust will blow out of her reproduction system as if you were clearing out a dirty chimney with a bowling ball, but it never happens. Joking about this brings Natasha and I hours and hours of joy.
We can look at anything that looks dry, empty or pathetic and call it Jennifer Aniston.


At Christmas time we had our tree sitting in our living room undecorated for over a week. Every time we looked at it, one of us would whisper "Aniston!"


Driving to Vegas....Aniston.


UGH! There are no groceries in the fridge! What is this? Jennifer Aniston's womb?!


It really works in every scenario and makes you feel better about not having a womb filled with charcoal and failure.

Welp...it finally happened..I'm working at aJumbo's Clown Room

I can't believe that I have lived in LA almost a whole year! The last 11 months here have really changed my life. Since before I moved to LA I have joked about ending up working at Jumbo's Clown Room, the Hollywood bikini bar where the strippers are tattooed and dance to unconventional stripper songs. The first experience I had there was watching a tall and beautiful raven haired babe dance to "Fascination Street by The Cure". I immediately wanted to make this my local bar and I would look for any excuse to go there. So when my friend Katie told me that her friend was having a party at Jumbo's for the release if his photo book (T&T&A Tacos, Tits, and Ass) I couldn't wait to go! Then Katie asked me to help her sell the books at the party and I laughed...less than a year in LA and I am working at Jumbo's Clown Room...maybe some of the Courtney Love luck will rub off on me.






http://blogs.citypages.com/food/2010/02/tacos_tits.php

My best tweets.

I have been hearing about this "Night of 140 tweets" thing where Celebs got to go up at a party and recite their favorite tweets that they have written. Well today I realized that I have 6,020 tweets. I have been retweeted by amazing people like Diablo Cody, Arj Barker and Dita Von Teese. I think I should share some of my favorite one liners with you guys.

*You think if "The Hoff" was ever on the show Jag he'd refer to himself as "Jag-Hoff"?

*Pitch for a new MTV show. MTV goes door to door in my neighborhood telling the aspiring musicians that they will never ever make it.

*I think I have feline aids... Or a coconut rum hangover.

*I bet Carl senior really feels sad about his shitty accomplishments.

*Spoiler Alert: Hole is now just 3 guys and 45% of Courtney Love. Please RT

*Either 2 transformers are fucking outside my window or that garbage truck needs a silencer.

And this is just the highlights of this week!
So follow me, numb-nuts.
@livviesmalls
and Natasha
@natasha_darling

...sometimes we tweet pics when we are having a good boob day.

Jerzee Showah.

Last night my wonderful friend, Heddie, had a birthday party. This party was jersey shore themed. After spending all day applying sunless tanner,glue-ing on fake hot pink french tips,and clipping in blond extensions I looked perfectly fake. So i did what any girl would do after a day of primping..take a million pics for Facebook and various long distance boyfriends.
So here they are.