Tits And Tatts

How Evan went blind.

2010-07-20T12:32:00.000-07:00

Me-
i just took a huge bong rip and called NY state unemployment

Evan-
heroic

Me-
this could get messy

Evan-
dont worry, you'll be on hold long enough for your high to run out

Me-
they told me to "Try again later" I yelled "Well I'll be stoned then too!"

Evan-
AHHAHHAHHS

Me-
omg
I said the dirtiest thing to this viking i'm talking to
it was hilarious

Evan-
spill it

Me-
haha
I told him that my vagina was neat like Ikea. (you have to write down what you want with a golf pencil and someone will assist you.)

Evan-
ahahhahahahahhaa
so good

Me-
....and everything is do it yourself

Evan-

oh.

my.

god.

Me-
do you like my fb pic... it is SO 90's

Evan-
hahaha SO make-out club

Me-
I'm also doing an imitation of a lion cub yawning

Evan-
ahhah i love it

Me-
where is makeoutclub when you need it?

Evan-
i have friends who got married from it
Evan-
DOOOOOOMMMMEDD!

Me-
i had a dude from it.
AND i met my 2 big bro bffs there.

Evan-
wow

Me-
i still talk to the dude all of the time

Evan-
wow

Me-
that reminds me..i have a sext to answer.

every day I either wake up with a text from you or him

Evan-
ahhaha
we are fighting for your ikea zone

Me-
well it's cheap but everything ends up being hot glued together anyway.

Evan
hahahahaaaa
i just laughed so hard i went blind for a second

Me-
lol
this is seriously the best fb chat yet

Evan-
i love this chat
chat roulette
we should write a movie

Me-
oh ghod
we should

Evan-
where we find our identical twins on chatroulette

Me-
lol
but it's just you and me

Evan-
but it will be embarassing bc i will be jerking off while it happens
ahhahahaa
awesome

Me-
but we are like "WOW the similarity is UNCANY!"
its like Twins 2

Evan-
lets write a movie about how you and i are the only people who are left on chatroullette

Me-
You are Devito

Evan-
ahahhaha
totally
totes

Me-
and we have to repopulate chat roulette
but its just cybering

Evan-
hahaha i smell a blockbuster

Me-
mel gibson will direct

Evan-
now that FB movie is coming out, we need to capitalize
there will be a jacuzzi scene

Me-
It will be like Showgirls and Twins met on Make out club and had a baby.

Dios

2010-04-15T23:08:00.000-07:00

When I was 8 years old my mom plopped me down in front of the babysitter/tv to watch what would become my all time favorite movie, Harold and Maude. Along with my love for this movie came a love for cemeteries. My first real date a boy took me in a 1968, cherry red, Chevelle station wagon to the cemetery at sunset and we listened to Joy Division. It was love. Not with the boy but with the quiet and peace that I found in cemeteries.(and Joy Division) My love for them seemed so natural and I have treated them as parks my entire life. When I moved to Hollywood I had to be sure that I was within walking distance to the Hollywood Forever cemetery because I loved the events that went on there. This past Thursday night I went to my favorite event yet at Hollywood Forever, Dios in the Masonic Temple. While we waited in line with plastic water bottles full of juice and vodka we saw a crowd and a fog roll in through the cemetery gates that made everything look straight out of a movie about the Doors that didn't star Val Kilmer. Girls who were dressed in hand me downs from Woodstock with iphones lighting their faces, I drifted off thinking about what their time travel twitter feed must look like. After a little over an hour of this kind of thinking and almost a whole bottle of my “purse punch”, the doors finally opened. The courtyard at the temple was like something straight out of a southern gothic novel, I seemed to breeze through this area though, I followed the music up the stairs into the theater in the temple. I walked in to what looked like a Church with the pews pushed to the sides and a kaleidoscope of scenes from 60’s home movies being projected on the back wall while extras from That 70’s Show tuned up guitars. I spun on my heel to find my friends to see if they were seeing this and so we could figure out how we all time traveled to get there.
As I turned around I saw a huge 5x4 foot movie poster for Harold and Maude, it was like a positive focal point during a bad trip, I just looked at it and knew that this would be an amazing time.
I grabbed my friend and we sat Indian style on the floor next to a girl who looked like she had eaten one too many sugar cubes, and enjoyed the show. Once Dios started I remembered how much I loved their self titled album, it was so sweet in tune and so biting in lyrics with these great hooks that would sink their teeth into your brain and not leave for days. They played much newer songs than the ones that were on repeat in my ipod but Joel Morales’ voice made all of their songs sound somehow familiar. The sugarcube girl had stood up and started waving her hands over her head and dancing like she was in a field of mud in rose colored glasses. My eyes kept drifting between her and Joel who looks like a super tough Mexican bouncer with the mannerisms of a hippie who opens his mouth and sounds like a mix of Elliot Smith and Bob Dylan. A wave of happiness washed over me and a huge grin spread across my face and then I got a text message reminding me that I live in 2010 (the future!) and that my ride was outside. I gathered myself and my belongings and stood up, I pushed my way down the stairs and into that lovely courtyard where I didn’t spend enough time, and kissed my friend on the cheek and made her promise to “get home safe”. Then I spent the 5 minute walk to my friend’s car reminding myself that I was not in the movie Almost Famous.
I passed through the gates and on to the Hollywood Forever front lawn and I was right back in the future, where I belong.

Public Image Limited

2010-04-07T22:02:00.000-07:00

When I saw this year's Coachella line up the one band that really stuck out to me was the reformation of Public Image Limited. I guess that is how Coachella always tricks you into considering driving into the desert to see 15 minutes of some amazing bands and paying $8 for water.
Since Coachella is on the "Mertaugh list"(I'm too old for that shit)I started looking into PIL shows in LA before the musical dust bowl and saw that they were playing for free at Jimmy Kimmel. Since I am on "funemployment" free is the right price for me. We showed up and I immediately noticed that the crowd was different from the usual 16 year old Mexican girl with "myspace hair". Girls with weird chelsea haircuts, guys with combed over bowl cuts sprinkled in to a crowd of power dads who threw on their weekend khakis mid week and came out to rock!
Once Johnny Rotten was in eye sight the crowd started losing their shit, the guy in front of me wearing khaki shorts grabbed his son and said "THIS GUY IS MY HERO!" and I hoped that Johnny didn't hear him and shove his own Crocs down his throat. Johnny himself was wearing track pants, high top sneakers, an over sized black and white button down and a large suit jacket that made him look like he had just returned from Robert Smith's yard sale.
Once everyone was on stage Johnny announced that he was using Jimmy's show as a practice because they had only had a 4 hour practice prior to kicking off their tour.
As I watched Rotten stomp around the stage like a giant destroying a medieval village I was reminded how much I love Johnny's signature vibrato singing style. The 4 song set that included "This is not a Love Song", "Rise" and "Albatross" was surprisingly tight. PIL has had over 38 rotating members and I feel like this is the right line up for the comeback.
After the show Jimmy's people brought out some chairs and he interviewed Johnny Rotten. Johnny revealed that no labels wanted to pay to get them back together so he sold one of their songs to a British butter company and that money was what was funding the tour, making this what I call the "Paula Deen Image Limited tour".

Jennifer Aniston is barren. (allegedly)

2010-04-04T23:52:00.000-07:00

Everything about Jen Aniston looks tight...but not in a sexy way...in more of a "wound so tight that she looks like she might implode" kind of way. Every time I see her on a red carpet I wonder if any second a cloud of dust will blow out of her reproduction system as if you were clearing out a dirty chimney with a bowling ball, but it never happens. Joking about this brings Natasha and I hours and hours of joy.
We can look at anything that looks dry, empty or pathetic and call it Jennifer Aniston.

At Christmas time we had our tree sitting in our living room undecorated for over a week. Every time we looked at it, one of us would whisper "Aniston!"

Driving to Vegas....Aniston.

UGH! There are no groceries in the fridge! What is this? Jennifer Aniston's womb?!

It really works in every scenario and makes you feel better about not having a womb filled with charcoal and failure.

Welp...it finally happened..I'm working at aJumbo's Clown Room

2010-04-03T13:34:00.000-07:00

I can't believe that I have lived in LA almost a whole year! The last 11 months here have really changed my life. Since before I moved to LA I have joked about ending up working at Jumbo's Clown Room, the Hollywood bikini bar where the strippers are tattooed and dance to unconventional stripper songs. The first experience I had there was watching a tall and beautiful raven haired babe dance to "Fascination Street by The Cure". I immediately wanted to make this my local bar and I would look for any excuse to go there. So when my friend Katie told me that her friend was having a party at Jumbo's for the release if his photo book (T&T&A Tacos, Tits, and Ass) I couldn't wait to go! Then Katie asked me to help her sell the books at the party and I laughed...less than a year in LA and I am working at Jumbo's Clown Room...maybe some of the Courtney Love luck will rub off on me.

http://blogs.citypages.com/food/2010/02/tacos_tits.php

My best tweets.

2010-03-25T00:08:00.000-07:00

I have been hearing about this "Night of 140 tweets" thing where Celebs got to go up at a party and recite their favorite tweets that they have written. Well today I realized that I have 6,020 tweets. I have been retweeted by amazing people like Diablo Cody, Arj Barker and Dita Von Teese. I think I should share some of my favorite one liners with you guys.

*You think if "The Hoff" was ever on the show Jag he'd refer to himself as "Jag-Hoff"?

*Pitch for a new MTV show. MTV goes door to door in my neighborhood telling the aspiring musicians that they will never ever make it.

*I think I have feline aids... Or a coconut rum hangover.

*I bet Carl senior really feels sad about his shitty accomplishments.

*Spoiler Alert: Hole is now just 3 guys and 45% of Courtney Love. Please RT

*Either 2 transformers are fucking outside my window or that garbage truck needs a silencer.

And this is just the highlights of this week!
So follow me, numb-nuts.
@livviesmalls
and Natasha
@natasha_darling

...sometimes we tweet pics when we are having a good boob day.

Jerzee Showah.

2010-03-21T11:43:00.000-07:00

Last night my wonderful friend, Heddie, had a birthday party. This party was jersey shore themed. After spending all day applying sunless tanner,glue-ing on fake hot pink french tips,and clipping in blond extensions I looked perfectly fake. So i did what any girl would do after a day of primping..take a million pics for Facebook and various long distance boyfriends.
So here they are.

Amber is the sluttiest name...

2010-03-20T11:28:00.000-07:00

Natasha and I have always suspected that certain girl names are associated with looser ways,just like some names are associated with bitchiness...like Tiffany, everyone knows a super bitchy Tiffany.I feel like when you hear the name Liv it is a fun and sexy name,one syllable, easy to remember and it makes you think of Liv Tyler who is a sexy rockstar offspring. And Natasha is the name of only the highest priced Russian mail order brides and European models,when guys hear the name Natasha they are immediately intrigued. (I'm sure that Natasha would disagree with this statement but I really believe that I'm right here. I agree. With me.)
So we sat our friend Dan Madonia down, split a pot brownie with him,and polled him to find out which is the sluttiest name.Dan has toured on warped tour, Opened for huge comedians like Andrew Dice Clay and is, himself,the offspring of a porn star and comedian so he has seen is fair share of tail. We are pretty sure that Dan has received blowjobs from girls of all different ages,colors and creeds so he is like a vaginal Census, he was the perfect person to help us crack the case.

T&T- "How many Tiffany-s would you say have blown you?"
DM- "6."

T&T- "I've always said that Sheila is a super slutty name, how many of those have you banged?"
DM-" Only 2."
T&T-"Hmm...well there goes that theory. Stop tickling me, Dan."

T&T-"Kendra is a kinda slutty name. That one slutty Kendra got her own show. How many Kendras have you made shame shower?"
DM- "It's been about 5."

T&T-"You have a Brianne tattoo on your stomach..how many Briannes has that reeled on to your wiener?"
DM- "Well I've been with 3."

T&T-" Ok...What name do YOU think is the sluttiest?"
DM-"Amber. I've been with tons and tons of Ambers. It's just a super common name."
T&T- "Yeah you never hear an Amber say 'Good day to you sir, I politely decline your offer for casual sex because I am late to go study!' ever."
DM -"No but you do get texts from them when their boyfriend is outta town."
Exactly.
So our study proves that the sluttiest name of all is actually Dan Madonia.

...Yeah this photo is from Boners.com...

Hair update!

2010-02-12T14:03:00.000-08:00

I did a combo of all of those haircuts. It's super femme and pretty tuff.

I need help.

2010-02-08T10:28:00.000-08:00

I really want to do something crazy with my hair and I can't decide on what to do so I have decided to have people vote on which risky hairstyle they think would look best on me.
I have wanted to shave part of my head for a while now and I love the way that Maja Ivarsson, the lead singer of Sounds has done it. Not too much off but it looks cool and Mad Max-ish.

And it is no secret that I love Amanda Blank,and here is a pic of her hair the way I want mine to be.

But then last night I saw this fully glam chick who had Betty Page bangs that were to die for and she didnt look too pinup, she still managed to look super rocked out.
A lot like this look from Katy Perry.

But I also like this kind of Joan Jett look from Katy too

Help me pick!

It's Rob Zombie's birthday.

2010-01-13T18:22:00.000-08:00

(spoiler alert! I got him blow jays.)

What Will They Do for Money? The Story of the $1000 HJ

2010-01-05T19:42:00.000-08:00

So my car has been overheating and I brought it in today to see what it's damn problem was, and it appears that the problem (details are uninteresting) is going to deplete my entire bank account, leaving me with approximately $200 to live off of. no problem right? I hate getting upset over money, it's only money you can always get more. The question is how..
Here are some viable options. I think there could be a TV show to see what we will try to do for money:

1.Cut off all my hair for $350. Then I will be hideous and no one will like me.Plus if I decide to reintroduce sex into my life, this removes the chance to get my hair pulled and that's just no fun.

2.Dress up like some movie or comic book character on Hollywood Blvd. and take photos with tourists for tips. I actually see no problems with this plan, I just have to figure out which character to be. The obvious choice of Catwoman wouldn't work because there are already about 12 of them and they all just look like dominatrix.I'll be accepting ideas as to who I should be. I think Liv and I should do something as a team, but she's not sold on my Khloe and Kim Kardashian plan.

3. As you know if you know me at all, I love animals, especially dogs and I have always been the go to person whenever someone needs a dogsitter. I was once puppysitting my friend Dave's white pitbull puppy Echo and he got all muddy at the park. So I felt bad and decided to give him a bath..but Dave didn't have a bath only a standup shower, so I just took a shower with the dog to clean him up. This was where I got my foolproof business plan for IShowerWithYourDog.com. Basically, I will shower with your dog.. and you can watch it streaming and pay me via paypal. Also I accept checks and tacos.

4.Then there's Liv's idea, the $1,000 handjob. If you put an ad on Craigslist offering a platinum HJ for a grand, you would get customers just based on curiosity. People will assume it's absolutely amazing to warrant a $1000 price tag and guys will get one just for the mere status. Once he tells all of his friends about it, they too will want to sample it. Before you know it Diddy will be giving gift certificates to all of his employees for Christmas with a bottle of Ciroc Vockka.

Ok I think I have a good start, all of these ideas seem pretty good, except the hair cut. I'll let you know how things go. Live long and prosper.

500 Days of Bummer.

2010-01-02T11:34:00.000-08:00

I just watched 500 Days of summer and it made me hate this generation's dating practices. I guess I live in this made up world where the "I'm not looking for anything important." speech just keeps you from experiencing your life. In fact I expect to hear it now as soon as I start even being attracted to someone. Whatever happened to just liking someone and seeing what happens? No labels, no expectations, just see what happens and take it from there. Sure, there are girls who feel their clocks ticking and are so in a hurry to get to the alter that they forget to take the time to even get to like the guy that they are dragging along with them, but not all girls are those girls. In fact, I would say that none of my friends are those girls, and I, certainly am not one of those girls. Sure, I've been engaged, a couple times, but that was only because it is impolite to say NO when a man has gone through all of the trouble of asking, and I never dragged it out for more than a few weeks. I have a friend who went through the entire marriage just to be polite.
I guess I have the mentality of a "modern old fashioned.".
I have my own friends, my own life, and my own routine and opinions.
I will happily cook and clean and wear dresses every day, I like a door being opened for me, being taken out on proper dates (none of this "Just hanging out " shit.)and being treated like a lady. I also DO NOT believe that ANYONE has the right to look through another person's phone ,or any snooping or jealousy on either side. (unless the phone was lost in a cab and you're trying to return it to it's owner.)
Because I have tattoos and sometimes a filthy mouth I think that some guys might not think they have to treat me like a lady. How do you walk on that middle ground?
I just think that I have wasted plenty of time on losers and sometimes being alone is just better than half assing your way through a relationship where one person refuses to get invested and the other person feels allowed to have their options open. What a mess! At what point are we all just holding ourselves back from jumping in to our lives? 2009 taught me that waiting around to be ready for living your life and having adventures you just trap yourself. If you want something, take it. Your life is so short. You could die any minute. So quit talking yourself out of happiness.

..but Zooey is still so cute.

Wow...2010 rules so far!

2010-01-01T13:01:00.000-08:00

We are only a few hours in and 2010 has already beat the shit outta 2009!!
Natasha didn't want to do anything for New Years Eve, but I was thinking of it as our last effort to salvage at least ONE holiday this year! Halloween was a disaster, Christmas is always too tough for me, my birthday everyone was outta town, Natasha's birthday she was in Dallas...so this was our last chance. So when our friend Katie invited us to this party In the hills where all we had to pay was $30 for a party bus up to the house I jumped on it. We had been to this friend's house before and it was beautiful, and these guys were so nice and funny,I knew it would be fun. There were djs, secret nooks to hide out, a hot tub,pool, fireplaces everywhere,food, champagne,laughter,a telescope to watch the eclipse/ blue moon,and beautiful celebrities sprinkled through the crowd. It was perfect. We rang in the new year on a fur rug in front of a fire with the amazing Dita Von Teese drinking champagne and laughing with strangers. It was perfect. So we both know that 2010 is going to be just as fabulous as that house party! xoxo

E-M-O Speedwagon

2009-12-28T15:43:00.000-08:00

Here is the thing about music.... all music begins in the death or wake or reaction to another style of music. There will ALWAYS be a type of music someone doesn't like and their natural instinct is to make something very opposite. (This is exactly why any teenage girl with a tiny backpack is asked "what kinda music do you like?" they say "...everything....except for country.")I grew up all over the south but I spent high school in Floriduh and I was pretty deep into the hardcore and indie rock scene.Seeing so many people grow and change over those years inspired my theory on the last 10 years of music.I figure it's like this.. The punk rock kids that realized that squatting really wasn't working out for them and they would eventually have to get jobs , either A- cleaned up a little bit and became indie rock kids , discovering that for free time at their cubicle they could photoshop pics for their zines, and update their Livejournal(pre blogger). OR B- cleaned up TOO MUCH and became straight edge hardcore kids. Now I'm not saying that all hardcore kids came about this way . NO NO NO. Usually they are recruited early on before they are old enough to buy drugs or drink anyways. But there are a sweet few that come about this way. Then somewhere along the way their girlfriend
( that none of their friends liked anyways) dumps them , of course it was long term...cause these are the guys that find a girl that is moderately hot enough to make guys down at the local record store jealous but not too hot , so that it doesn't matter how crazy she is. So now indie cred guy is all alone... he needs someone to sympathize in a way that his friends can't. He never could turn to "Adult alternative" or whatever the hell they call it , no not our guy... he needs to keep his street cred he turns to EMO, short for " This emotional hell hole that bitch left me in, and if there is a god she'll find her way back to me ....please, Cheryllll!!!!" (When I talk about emo, I mean mid 90's florida bands like Hankshaw, not that dramatic drag queen shit that 13 year olds listen to now.) Emo is the type of music that you had to hide from your friends ... but then someones little brother was going through his older brother's cds and not only saw Judge, and Rollins, but further back was some saddle creek run offs, and this little pisser decides to start something now known as Scream-o (short for " oh god what have you done bobby...no one should listen to Scream-o"). Then these guys decide that " you know what...Cheryls a bitch!! I didn't need her anyways, her friend Tracey was cute... I think she goes down to Happy days for 80's dance night...i should go try to bump into her, right after i finish burning this bright eyes cd." So is the synth pop rebirth. Once the kids meet the Tracey of their dreams it is no time before they decide to make a scene, the 80's synth stuff needs to be harder... and so starts Electro clash. So now dude and tracey can get matching bangs and ironic tees and make a big happy mess all over Misshapes. So now emo is living a happy life down in Florida , where it KEEPS being rediscoverd and will never die...like a vampire....oh yeah Florida is a hot bed for goths too...but that's another story.

I have not seen Avatar,

2009-12-27T23:13:00.000-08:00

but from the descriptions I have heard it sounds like if you mixed Fern Gully and Dances With Wolves.
And I've already seen both of those.

Up Schlitz Creek

2009-12-22T22:08:00.000-08:00

It is almost Christmas and I am walkin around in a tank top and talking to girls with hair extensions and missing my brooklyn homies even though I know that they are in 3 feet of snow.
So I decided to show you guys some highlights from their Facebook pages that would make anyone miss these knuckleheads!

Matt "The Cooze"-R.I.P, Larry Sultan. He was most incredible.

Peter- At first I was gonna be like, "who the fuck cares? Fuckin who the fuck is this guy?" But then I checked out some his work and seen mad titties and vaginas and ass. He will be missed.

Pauly D- A Tiger Woods joke! Why Jay Leno, you are just TOO. MUCH!

No one makes a dick joke like 3 dicks from Brooklyn.Ghad I love those dudes.
I used to live with "The Cooze" and he used to yell across the house to me "Liv! Come in here! I need you!" and then I would run in to his room just to find him in his underwear hitting a paddle ball.
He also used to write in the notes section of his rent check "For HJs rendered."
Another time I wanted to introduce Matt to a large group of my friends so while we were waiting on the car service he decided to loosen up by drinking a pint glass of whiskey with 3 frozen grapes in it because we were out of ice. Once we got to the bar he said hi to 3 people and then said "Fuck that guy." and passed out on the table for 30 minutes.
BESTIES!

This is a portrait of Matt and Petey as Siegfried and Roy

So looking at their FB comments really makes me miss the quick wits and dudes I knew I could always count on.
But I have to remember...No one is as smart, funny or pretty as their Facebook page so maybe its for the best.

Merry Christmas from Liv and Natasha!

2009-12-20T23:57:00.000-08:00

Wow! This year has really flown by!
Let us get you up to speed..
Well after last summer in LA we went back to Brooklyn and realized that winter is gay.(Seriously. Most songs about winter have the word "gay" right in the lyrics.)
So Natasha and I moved across the country from our beautiful Brooklyn to Los Angeles to change our lives for the better. We have had a rocky beginning but it seems like after six months we are really getting our new lives rolling. We really miss our New York routine and of course, our amazing friends but we are making new friends and we have had east coast visitors almost every month.(Thank Gawd!)
Natasha recently received a Starbucks card that allows her to get free iced coffee refills anytime she wants, and we have both been entering to win LOTS of contests because we love being winners! We also recently decided to be Wiccan, we are still waiting to recieve our "Magical witch names" but we have been taking weird full moon baths, burning sage and watching tons of our new favorite show Eastwick so it's pretty official.
This year I also found out that you can Facebook and blog for money!I've been working with The Comedy Store and The Roxy who are social media geniuses so I started a Social Media company with my friend Berko who works with The Viper Room (also full of geniuses) and we think that 2010 is going to be amazing for us! Follow us on twitter @metalmarketing and on Facebook www.facebook.com/metalmarketing
I have also started booking and promoting out here on the west coast, and I have some amazing stuff in store for LA in 2010! I kicked it all off with Bootyoke at The Comedy Store in November and it was the most kick ass time I have had since I moved here!
We have also noticed that we were getting filmed left and right just for being awesome, which makes us think that we will have our own show in no time!
So in 2010 look out for us on Gene Simmons Family Jewels,Clean House and the web show The Real Sunset Strip with our friends Scheff and Hawk(http://www.facebook.com/REALSUNSETSTRIP) as well as our personal appearances at Musink 2010 ,Ink and Iron and much more!
We have been so lucky to fall in with such a great crew of people and we hope that this is the year that we get on tv, Natasha gets her Dracula tattoo and I get at least one of my sleeves finished. We have also cut down on blogs for the last few months while we got settled in and we wanted to thank you all of bearing with us and we are going to get back to our normal posting about dumb stuff selves in 2010.
We hope you all have a great holiday, a cool Yule and get everything you hoped for!
Now please to enjoy this holiday greeting from our nerdy and awesome friends from The Real Sunset Strip, Scheff and Hawk!
xoxox

Seriously!

2009-12-19T12:45:00.000-08:00

is it so hard to find a tattoo artist boyfriend with a neck tattoo who is knowledgeable about heavy metal and sex?
Oh...you have to be crazy.
Dammit.

Finally, we found Fun in LA!!

2009-12-13T14:21:00.001-08:00

Finally we found a good ass time in LA. Here's a brief recap of our evening. Keep in mind I got nice and drunk to control my nerves since Liv and I were being filmed for The Real Sunset Strip, so my memory is a bit blurred. Here are some highlights:
We head to On the Rox at the Roxy to get our drink on and meet Scheff and Hawk from The Real Sunset Strip.For those unfamiliar check them out. It's an awesome website and show you can watch on UStream. (www.TheRealSunsetStrip.com)
Since I wasn't wearing a bra, Liv was in charge. Beardo and B Real from Cypress Hill opened for us (so nice of them). If you're wondering why we were being interviewed, it's because we are awesome and people love us. Scheff was so enamored with Liv that he couldn't remember my name, so he has been the lucky recipient of filthy text messages from me ever since. We had an awesome time hanging out with Berko from Viper, Annie and Nick from The Roxy, Erica my favorite person I have met since we moved to LA and a variety of other people who love fun.

After the show, we walked down Sunset to the Andaz hotel where our friend Bird's brother was staying. All I remember is that Liv was trying to get Bird to pull up the cowskin rug that was on the floor and wear it like a cape. You could tell that he really wanted to, but was scared.

On our drive home, we saw a Storm Trooper and chick dress like Leia in a car next to us. I rolled down the window and started asking them questions, Liv said red to the storm trooper " Its been really cold huh? What is this, Hoth?!" and then I screamed "I'm an EWOK!!!!!" as we drove by. It was pretty awesome.

I'm so glad we finally had fun, I feel like we're finding our little L.A. crew out here.

Follow everyone on twitter:
RealSunsetStrip
TheRoxy
Scheffxp
ADrox3
Berkorules
TheHawkShow
and of course US Natasha_Darling and LivvieSmalls

Shred Savage presents BOOTYOKE LA!

2009-11-15T20:59:00.000-08:00

...I fucking told you guys that I party!
Thank you SO much to Chris Goldteeth and Lord Easy, I love you guys! Come back soon!

OMG! MSNBC's twitter just got hacked!

2009-11-06T14:51:00.000-08:00

OH MY GHAAAD!
This shit is so funny! If I had money I would offer to buy the person responsible for this a beer!!
I don't know how to screen shot on a mac so I just took a photo on my phone..

Cream of Jeans Soup.

2009-11-02T16:26:00.000-08:00

So I FINALLY got tickets to see the The Tonight Show with Conan, and the guest is CREED! It's like they got back together just to piss me off!If Creed loves Jesus so much then why do they make music that makes people wanna kill themselves?!
Well thankfully they got back together just in time for Slayer's new album to put a hex on them!
Preview it here-
http://www.spinner.com/new-releases#/2
The whole thing is amazing but I particularly love "Playing with Dolls" it is very Danzig like, and "Not of this God" is so speed metal thrash that I wanna swoon!
This comes just in time for my planning of Speed Metal Dating coming soon!!

I think we need to raise the age you can get tattooed..

2009-10-26T17:50:00.000-07:00

Natasha and I have gone to see bands play for free at the Jimmy Kimmel show a few times since we moved here and at the last one I saw this tattoo. It says "Beans".
I think this chick really likes beans.
I'm glad I waited until I was 25 to start getting sleeved.
I mean...I have some dumb shit but at least it's pretty.

Really a medicine to grow eyelashes?

2009-10-24T17:25:00.000-07:00

Brooke Shields and whatever "Doctors" wasted their medical knowledge to develop Latisse,the eyelash growing medication should be ashamed of themselves. Every time I see the commercial, which is on like 20 times an hour, I want to throw something. I guess we cured cancer and AIDS then right? Nothing more important to work on besides those poor women whose eyelashes just don't look long and supple enough. I hope they enjoy eyelid darkening and their pupils turning brown. Fuck you.

Sarah Silverman impression...

2009-10-24T10:55:00.000-07:00

"Holocaust. Diarreah. Dick. Fart."
How the fuck did she get famous?

If you don't come to Bootyoke LA then you hate fun!

2009-10-23T18:02:00.000-07:00

But I love fun so I put all of this shit together!
You better look for the name SHRED SAVAGE cause I have a lot of big plans for LA!!
Don't worry LA...I'm here to make your party life better!!

I miss reading magazines after Justin!

2009-10-23T17:10:00.000-07:00

My bff Justin came out to visit me in LA, and it only made me miss him more!

(This is supposed to be Miike Snow. haha)

I used to find little drawings all over my house of "Vagina Face Dolls" that were modeled after celebs but they had vaginas for faces. My favorite was "Vagi-ana Ross".

Swedes are hot.

2009-10-22T16:04:00.000-07:00

There is this Swedish dude who I see at every show of every Swedish band I see anywhere. He is so fucking hot and obviously into hardcore by the way he dances. He's pretty much the hottest dude in Sweden.

Thousand dollar idea. (Don't steal it) TM

2009-10-20T15:49:00.000-07:00

When I moved to NY I quickly realized that Williamsburg is where these things called "Hipsters" lived. Coming from Orlando, Florida, I had never seen a hipster because no one was cool enough to be one. After 8 years in Brooklyn, Williamsburg was a place that I shunned, and made fun of. Everyone there was living their life like they were stuck in some 80's movie. Just a bunch of kids dressed like super heros, cowboys, and young hookers from the 80's living in a mall while their parents footed the bill. If I had to go to a party there I immediately felt like a fake, like I was cheating on MY Brooklyn with this sham! But in that time I also thught it would be amazing to put together a "Welcome to Willamsburg" gift basket. (Now that I live in LA it would be a "Welcome to Silverlake" giftbasket.)

-6 pack of PBR. The hipster staple.

-Gold plated ipod full the newest music as soon as hits the web. Anything with an animal in the name is best.
(i/e Wolf- something, Antler- something)

-Subscription to Vice magazine. It's the hipster pick for fashion, music, and skateboarders you would otherwise know nothing about and you can see boobies in almost every magazine. Plus Do's and Don't are timeless and always hilarious, but you are always secretly looking to see if drunk pictures of you at Max Fish found their way into the "Don'ts'' column.

-Nerd Glasses. Nerds are ironic. Everyone who is a hipster likes to brag about being a nerdy kid, and guys have a fetish for girls in glasses. It's a fact. I've had guys want me to wear mine in bed before..it isn't uncommon.

-$100 Gift certificate to American Apparel. It's the staple for every hipster boy and girl. Deep V's and tight pants ALL AROUND! You too can look like part of The Scooby Doo Gang!

-Risky Business DVD (Or VHS, depending on how far you take the 80's hipster vibe)
This is a good reference movie. Look around any room in Williamsburg and at least 3 people are dressed like characters from this movie.

-$50 gift certificate to Union Pool. (Or if you're in LA, Cha Cha Lounge)

-Gift certificate for 1 Owl Tattoo.
(This one is by Eli Quinters) By the time you read this the octopus tattoo will be the new Owl tattoo.

-Vintage Tshirt of some 80's metal band. You don't have to be into them you just have to look cool.

-Plaid shirt (Unisex). Everyone looks cooler in plaid.

-One pair of cowboy boots.
So people think you are a lil country and a lil rock'n'roll.

I could keep going but ...I have to go home and start Bon Jovi-ing (ripping) up my jeans so people think that they are older than they are.

I wanna look like Sean Young from Blade Runner when I grow up!

2009-10-20T14:49:00.000-07:00

I mean, LOOK AT HER!

She has that amazing yet slightly evil hair, and even though I don't usually like bushy 80's brows they look intense on her and I love it! Plus I LIVE for her clothes in this movie.

So basically she's a dream and I am not. Everything I own has a hole in it and I can't afford a haircut. Not adorbes.

Late night ramblings.

2009-10-18T01:31:00.000-07:00

Not having a dvd player/cable in my room is dildos!! I wanna watch tv but its only coldcase and infomercials.
And my neighbors won't shut up!!
Fuck it.
I'm just gunna switch back and forth on my stereo's highest volume between Steely Dan and Pelican.
Let's see which one shuts em up!
Also I think the landlord of the building next door rented an apt to a baby.
No parents.
Just a crying baby with a check.
Cause no one is even tryin to shut it up.
That is all.

I dream of Slash

2009-10-13T13:55:00.000-07:00

I knew it would eventually happen, mostly because since I am unemployed,I have devoted several hours a day to Slash related activities. I have to say, seeing Slash in person was everything I had hoped for.. except that I'm not pregnant, but aside from that it was a dream. I got a text from Liv saying "Slash is playing at the Roxy tonight". I started freaking out like, ok how are we going to get into this show. Since Liv uses twitter as a magic genie, she posts that really wants to go to the show for free, and within minutes the rad ass girls from the Roxy tell her she has 2 tickets at the door. My immediate response is "Holy Mother Fucking Shit, we are going to see Slash". I spent the entire rest of the day nervously excited as if I were going on a date(or what I would imagine that would feel like).
The show was a fundraiser for Camp Turtle, which is a camp that allows sick children to go away to camp and have their families be there with them, so it was awesome that all of these rock stars devoted their time to perform, though we were super psyched to see Slash, Dee Snyder, Jason Bonham, Mark McGrath and members of Foreigner, Stray Cats and a ton of other great bands were there. Even though I would bang Mark McGrath so hard his highlights would fall out, I didn't even care that he was there because he and Slash were on stage at the same time. When Slash came out I was so excited my head got really hot and I couldn't stop smiling. Liv and I were in about the 3rd row of standing people, and when I screamed "Slash get me pregnant!!!" The guy in front of me insisted that I go in front of him so that I could be closer. I know they played Led Zepplin Black Dog, but i spent the entire first song taking pics and video with my phone and smiling so big that my cheeks hurt. I had no idea what else they played because I was entranced by Slash. After trying so hard to see him, having him be 6 inches from us was really fucking awesome. The only things that would have made it better were if he played GnR songs, or had sex with me. There's always next time. For now I'm a happy girl. Thanks to Liv and the Roxy girls for making my childhood dirty dreams come true.

I spent about two hours the following morning in my office (bed)looking though all of pictures on my computer (phone) and emailing all of mu friends ( the Betseys and my Mom) about this long awaited event. Also I took about 60 pictures so if anyone would like to see more, email me and I'd be happpy to show you, and talk you through each photo. Liv and I are going to eventually have a house party at which time I will make everyone sit down while I conduct a slide show of Slash pics with narration.

....so I guess backstreet really IS back.

2009-10-09T00:34:00.000-07:00

This is awkward. We all went ahead and forgot about you guys. Thanks conan. I wasn't gunna see a bunch of winded interpretive dancers any other way tonight.

UGH GHAD! What do you wanna talk about?

2009-10-08T14:21:00.000-07:00

Natasha and I have fallen into an unemployment funk! I fell so hard into the funk I hit my neck on the bottom and fucked it up.
Our lives are so boring that I actually put THIS on twitter..
"Me to @Natasha_darling "Eastwick is on tonight."
Us in unison- "Yes! Now we have something to live for!"
Then we decided to be Wiccans now."
Then I left my mom this voicemail...

"mom! 2 things. #1- you better watch Eastwick tonight or I'll be pissed. #2- how do we set up a Wiccan altar? Call me back or I'll be pissed,serious."

So I have been googling white magic all morning. Because my mom texted me back "Google white magic altars".
What a bitch.
Then my mom called me and told me about her white trash drama.
I put it on speaker phone so Natasha knew that I didn't make my mom up...she's real...
Apparently she can't watch Eastwick cause her boyfriend's son is going to jail. And then she told me that she is riding a bike now and it's a great workout, since she still can't drive due to her DUI.
My mom is definitely living a more interesting life than me.

Bodega girls just wanna have fun.

2009-10-05T19:56:00.000-07:00

Awww my Bodega Girls are all grows up!These Massachusetts darlings have just released their video for "She's into Black Guys" and I couldn't be happier!This is one of those bands that are like a UFO sighting, they are magnificent but there is almost no evidence of them.(besides the few Myspace tracks and Basement hidden shows in Williamsburg.)A few weeks ago I was really excited to hear that they sold this track to the hit show Entourage but they only ended up playing the first 3 bass notes, so there was no way anyone would hear that and rush out to find more.But now this video is evidence of their greatness.
If they show up in your town make sure you go see them.I recently described them like this..
"They are like that house party from Weird Science turned into a band, and then that band went to 2nd with the foreign exchange student that lived with you one summer."

I love these kids dearly and I can not wait for them to be rich and famous!!

She's Into Black Guys from Paul Proulx on Vimeo.

http://twitter.com/BodegaGirls

NY-INK?!

2009-10-01T11:21:00.000-07:00

Our new friends over at Tattoosnob.com are speculating that it is in the works after they stumbled across this craigslist ad that sounded suspiciously like the beginnings of a new tattoo show.

"Original Media is looking to cast a tattoo enthusiast to receive a FREE tattoo on camera for an upcoming TLC series. We are working with a masterful tattoo artist who has is a favorite amongst NYC celebs and socialites. The design will be floral in nature and of our choosing. Must be available all day and evening, Saturday, September 26th for shoot in NYC.

Must be 18 or older to apply. This is a terrific opportunity for anyone who would like a beautifully designed floral tattoo, expertly applied by a NYC tat master!"

This is what they had to say over at Tattoosnob.com..

"Now I’m just speculating here, but is TLC getting ready to launch New York Ink?
Before you doubt me, let’s recap TLC’s reality tattoo television history:

1-Miami Ink ended in 2008, after four trendsetting seasons.
2-During two of those seasons, the show competed directly against it’s sexier sibling, LA Ink.
3-Kat and the crew at LA Ink are now wrapping up their third season . . . .

If this is indeed true, TLC is making a very smart move here. Get viewers familiar with a new young hip tattoo shop during the last year (or two) of LA Ink. I’m sure TLC will arrange some sort of interaction between the two shops. Maybe Kat passing the torch in a very motherly manner? If that doesn’t do the trick, I’m sure some traditional shit talking will suffice.
Furthermore, what better place to start this shop than NYC?
Again, I’m just speculating but it does make sense."

I think that it is very possible, but I am curious to see who they think is a Tattoo tv star in New York.
As many of you may know, Natasha and I moved here just a few months ago from NY, where we knew all of the most fun tattooers in town...I wonder if it is anyone we know..? I have to say, the popularity of tattoo tv shows is making more and more people get tattoos, but I don't feel like people are seeking out tattooers to get good tattoos, they are just paying someone on tv 100 times more than they should pay to get a butterfly tramp stamp to remember their grandma.
I wish there was a show that taught tattoo etiquette, and which tattoos are just plain stupid...

ZOMBIELAND!!

2009-09-27T10:53:00.000-07:00

This Thursday I got to see a prescreening of Zombieland and it was fuckin epiiiiic! Jeremy and I had to stand in line and do the normal weird free movie check in stuff but once we found 2 seats together i knew it was gunna be a great time.
It was seriously action packed and so so funny. (Dare I say..funnier than the Hangover?!) Plus there are amazing cameos and Woody Harrelson looks hot and has a great southern accent and tight jeans. I don't know how else I could sell you on it...
It comes out this Friday and everyone should go see it!

Aubry, I Warned You

2009-09-22T16:24:00.000-07:00

Here is a quote from my previous post in an open letter that I wrote to Aubry the dumb bitch who has the nerve to be shop managing on LA ink when her only experience is trying to unsuccessfully bang Bret Michaels on TV :

"I implore you, please go back under the bar table that you came from and leave my show alone. Kat Von D is really too nice of a person with the patience of a Pope because I would have clocked you a long time ago if I were your boss. If I see you out in Hollywood I am going to pull out your fake hair and punch some sense into your face so please avoid me."

Last night, Liv and I and our friends Bonnie and Scott went out to see our beloved Steel Panther sing metal songs in spandex. This f'ing whore Aubry from Rock of Love is not only there, but had the nerve to get up on stage, as if she is some sort of celebrity that anyone would care about seeing. Liv and I screamed Fuck You as loud as we could hoping to destroy her spirit. No one gave a shit that she was there, which made me happy, but the fact that she thinks she is someone special enrages me. Moreover, how dare she still have that job! She does not deserve to be working in a tattoo shop, I do. As i previously stated, if I saw her out, I was going to beat her ass, so while Liv and I stood outside of Rainbow waiting for our car ( and waiting for Evan Seinfeld from Biohazard to check all three of us out and try to load up as many chicks as possible into his car to take home and bang on his webcam)anyway, back to my point. So I said to Liv, I'm going to go hit her, and i started swinging my bag wildly, my bag weighs about 10 lbs. I could not have dreamed for it to go as well it did, she literally walked right into my swinging bag and got knocked right in the gut!!! It was a dream come true! She bent over in agaony, looked over at Liv, who was hysterically laughing and I just said "Oops". I couldn't be more proud of myself.

The Chelsea Girls

2009-09-21T15:03:00.000-07:00

Growing up I was always a little obsessed with all girl rock bands that ACTUALLY played rock music really well. Something about women being taken seriously in music is very empowering. Of course I was in love with The Runaways as soon as I saw them and there wasn't a time in my teenage years that The Donnas came to my town and I missed it. The Donnas were a band of girls who were my same age and playing rock with some of music's heavyweights and I totally adored them for it. I always admired Allison, their guitar player, she could play Motley Crue covers perfectly and always looked gorgeous doing it! A few years ago after The Donnas played Madison Square Garden they had an after party on the Lower East Side and I ran into Allison at the bar and we struck up a conversation, she was funny and really opened up to me about her family and tour, and it wasn't like we were in a loud bar at all. It struck me that she was just a normal chick like me, we had a LOT in common the only difference was she is famous, beautiful and an amazing guitar player... but none of that was a factor in our talk that night. When I moved to LA everyone was telling me about Allison's side band The Chelsea Girls, they were 4 STUNNING blonds that played metal covers..it was too good to be true. Well I FINALLY got to see them this Saturday at The Roxy, and they exceeded every expectation I had! They opened with a perfect cover of Holy diver and went on to slay covers of all of my favorites from Danzig- Mother to Motley Crue- Livewire!This was the best time i have had in a while. The crowd was strange, mostly old men, lesbians and photographers(this band was meant to be photographed!).. but there were a handfull of chicks like me who were just there to party.
They Pulled Evan Seinfeld on stage to sing Ace of Spades and then Billy Duffy of The Cult came up to rip on guitar (have I mentioned that I LOVE The Cult?)It was full tilt metal!

Evan

Billy Duffy

So after my last run in with Evan Seinfeld I was sure it was a one time thing...it wasnt.. he stood next to me staring at me ...again.
Maybe he thinks I am someone else?
Maybe he is just obsessed with me?
Who fuckin knows...sorry Ev, you're too small for me.

So it's your first time in a bar..

2009-09-19T16:23:00.000-07:00

We appreciate you choosing us as a venue for your first night drinking in public but here are a few pointers so you don't look like a dick.

-Always tip! It will impress women and get you blowjobbed.
-Dont ever call the bartenders names or talk shit about them, they can see and hear everything!
- if there aren't stools at the bar then this is not the kind of bar you sit around trying to make conversation, this is a service bar. At a service bar the bartender pretty much works like a machine these are usually one of 3 bars in a large nightclub or venue. If you are trying to make friends may we suggest a dive bar with no more than 3 customers in it at a time. (we suggest a day shift.)
-When you are in a bar there are 3 things you NEVER talk about..
#1- money, #2- politics, #3- religion.
There are plenty of things to talk about besides those things!
(Try- bad tv, chicks,dudes, sports, music, books, movies, crazy news stories..this list goes on and on!)
-Asking if you can get a "stronger drink", asking for a free drink or saying things like "Make it nice." does not make any difference to the bartender, it makes you look like an amature and alerts the bartender to the fact that you are cheap and may not tip and could result in a lighter pour than usual. The way to get a stiffer drink is to order a double and pay for it!
-If you order a drink "Tall" that means it comes in a tall glass with extra mixer.
-If you order a shot it is usually a 2 count pour which is half of what you would get in a drink.
-If you are a grown straight man DO NOT order a Sex on the Beach or a Long Island because the bartender and all women around you automatically think you are a gay man.
- A "neat" whiskey, tequila or scotch means in a small glass with no ice. And you would usually order this with a "Back" which is a chaser with no ice.
EX: "I'll have a Makers neat with a coke back." - You will receive a small glass usually containing a 4 count pour and a larger class of coke with no ice.
-When ordering shots at the bar with your sorority girlfriends DO NOT all order different fruity shots!! All of you should agree on ONE type of shot to order. Fruity shots require a maximum amount of mixing and cleaning glassware between making each one so if you order 8 shots and they are 3 different types the bartender USUALLY will raise the normal price of the shots because you are making them do a lot of extra work.
- ALWAYS remember that bartender work for TIPS!! If you don't tip they do not get paid! So ALWAYS leave $1 per drink, if not more!!

If you follow these simple rules you will end up getting hooked up by bartenders because they will assume that you "Get it" and you are "Cool"!

What Would Slash Do?

2009-09-13T13:38:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago, I came up with a new lifestyle question for Liv and I. What Would Slash Do? WWSD This question should be asked anytime you are about to make a decision, whether it be, “Should I wear this shirt even though you Can see my nipples?” Or “Is it really a good idea to have another shot even though I have to be at work at 8am?” think, I dunno, what would Slash do? This new lifestyle has really helped us to just pull through and have better lives, because you know what Slash wouldn’t do, he would NOT go to bed at 9pm, he would NOT enjoy the Vampire Diaries, he would NOT stay in 6 nights a week whining about how his day job sucks.
This being said, ever since I’ve been in LA, I feel like everything I do is based around the possibility of Slash being there. .. and failing miserably. It seems like every place I go, I find out Slash was just here last night, or after I leave I find out an hour later Slash was there, it's like a never ending joke that isn't funny.
Example A: Slash is supposed to be at a bar down the block from our house doing a DJ set, we go. Les Paul dies and Slash goes to his funeral in NY in stead
Example 2: We go to Viper room on a Thursday. Friday Slash decides to show up and perform with Gilby Clark and Steven Adler. We had seen Gilby the week before for free, so decided we didn't need to go again and pay. Good choice.
Example 3: We hear Slash is going to be performing at a tribute to Ozzy Osbourne at House of Blues at a sold out performance. Liv’s friend gets her a free ticket, I decide to go down and try to get a scapled ticket. I get one. I put money in the meter, we go in they’re about 2 songs in. It was great… 37 minutes later they play their last song. Slash did not appear on stage. We go home, and see online apparently Slash and Henry Rollins were there, during the first song. Glad I put those extra quarters in the meter.
Example 4: We go to see Vains of Jenna perform at Cat Club on the sunset strip. We walk past Viper Room where Liv sees some of her friends who work there. They tell us Slah just performed with Ace Freehely. I start screaming and ask who I need to blow in order to see Slash. I get an offer, but I know how this is gonna go, while I’m blowing the guy who’s gonna get me in to see Slash, Slash will be walking behind me and get in his car before I get to see him. We went into Viper anyway because they suspect he may still be in there in “Johnny’s room”. I try to look in to the room and rub myself all over the wall, just in case he’s in there. I’m sure he was and when I ordered a beer he went out the back. Then Liv;'s friend Alf comes over and tells us, " Oh I was just hanging out with Slash in that both over there.." And proceeds to show us pics. I just met Alf, but I wanted to punch him in the face for not calling.
This is becoming a major life problem. Not finding Slash is clawing at my soul and I really can’t do anything right until I get to see Slash, preferably with a guitar and drunk enough to hug me tight enough to feel everything. Just a little background: I have loved Slash since 1988. We sued to have his phone number and would leave him messages for his birthday and invite him to parties, but it always went straight to voicemail so we kind of figured it wasn’t really his number. Then one night after Mary and I have a few Wild Turkeys at Croxley's in Franklin Square, I decide that I know the perfect message to leave Slash to get him to call back. "Hey Slash, it's Natasha in NY, we're having a big party this weekend, lots of chicks, lots of coke, call me back". He didn't. But his wife did. That's about as close as I've gotten and I feel like I've been 2 feet away from him and 3 minutes late to seeing him for the past 3 months. I literally starting pulling my hair out last night because I was so upset and sat on the floor in Viper because I had to give myself a timeout. I have a Slash doll, we have 2 copies of Slash's autobiography in our house "Slash" by Slash, all I want is to see him (and for him to get me pregnant)This is not too much to ask. I'm seriously going to start making a documentary called Searching for Slash. I will keep updating on the Slash situation.And for the love of Christ, if you know me, and you know where Slash is, call me. I hate my job and this is really all I have to look forward to.

The Murtaugh list

2009-09-08T12:47:00.000-07:00

This last birthday I turned 29, that means almost 30.
For those over 30, this is no big deal, but this is my last year in my 20s...kind of a big deal to me.
I spent almost all of my 20's in NY, that is where you live if you want to enjoy being young, and where you realize that some people just act entirely too young. Once in a while I would go on a date or go to a party and say to myself
"I am getting too old for this shit!".
So I have started to compile a list of all of the things that I am just too fucking old for even before I am 30.
The Murtaugh List-
Living with more than 1 other person.
Keggers
Sports Bars
Dating anyone with a loft bed (NO ONE looks good climbing a ladder naked.)
Jello shots
Drugs. (Not weed, or booze but real drugs.)
Camping out for anything
School girl skirts (I shouldn't even hang out with chicks who wear them.)

Outdoor concerts with more than one stage...case in point Fuck Yeah Fest held this weekend in downtown LA, this is what I imagine living in an Urban Outfitters catalogue would be like.
I was so mesmerized by the sea of 90's throwbacks of combat boots and floral dresses and ironic tshirts. One girl was wearing a Bart Simpson tshirt and a crocheted cardigan and asked her friend if she looked "Indie" enough. I can't believe I live in LA.

no crowdsurfing.

Fuck Yeah Fest was so poorly put together because the event organizers "Had no idea it would be as big as it was..".
Oh really? You didn't know how many tickets you sold?
Some acts cancelled, most acts went on late, their wasn't nearly enough food or water, but hey at least I got to miss most of the acts because I was either waiting in line or trying to catch the end of another act. It is too much of a juggle to try to see a band and have a good time with 3 stages and no one running on time. So no..you will not see me at Lollapalooza, or Warped Tour or Coachella ever again! I'll be at home watching Golden Girls reruns and knitting a cardigan to go over my "Bartman" tshirt.

Man what is the deal with Orange County?

2009-09-04T15:04:00.000-07:00

When I moved to LA I noticed that a lot of people in Hollywood made fun of people from the OC like it was LA's kid brother with a learning disability and a weed problem. But after my trip to Tattoo Hollywood last week I noticed that everyone I liked that I wasn't already familiar with was from either OC or Costa Mesa.
(Same Diff..?)
So I decided to do a little digging and talk about some of the talent hiding down there!
Gold Rush Tattoo is home to some amazing tattooers like Chops, Tim Hendricks, Eric Jones...pretty much everyone in that shop is a killer tattooer.
I wanna go down there and get tattooed, only problem is narrowing it down to just one tattooer!(...oh yeah and money..I should get some money.)
http://goldrushtattoo.com
They have a great website that is updated very often and even gives you a glimpse of what they are listening to at the shop!
When we were at Tattoo Hollywood we had so much fun hanging out with Chops and got 20 questions from Eric Jones once he saw all of the people that we knew in common.
He used to work out in Brooklyn so were familiar with his work and had seen him around and both of them are in Costa Mesa now!
Chops is nothing short of amazing! When you look on the Gold Rush Yelp page everyone talks about how nice he is and how amazing his tattoos are, his work really speaks for itself on top of how comfortable he makes everyone around him.He can do anything from new traditional to more asian inspired work and executes each piece perfectly.
http://www.myspace.com/holdfastbrooklyn
Tim Hendricks is also there, his portraits are pretty perfect and his black and gray work is unbeatable.
And Eric Jones does great traditional colorwork and his horses are outstanding!
(Do you know how many bad horse head tattoos I have seen?!)
They are very realistic with great traditional details, but I could say that about all of his work.
So it might be a hike but I think LA's little brother isn't so damn bad!
It sounds like they have a lot of fun out there and they are hiding a lot of talent out there. I have to say besides Spotlight tattoo I have not been very impressed with tattoo shops in Hollywood so taking a trip to the beach, hanging with surfers and getting a rad tattoo sounds like a pretty good day to me!

Picture courtesy of www.saltwatertattoo.com

TITS!

2009-09-01T15:13:00.000-07:00

Dear Boobs,
I love you.
Thanks for everything.
Love,
Liv

Experiment on myself

2009-08-27T18:20:00.000-07:00

So I've been listening to Dr. Drew a lot, because I think he is smart and sexy.. have you ever seen him in a T-shirt? Seriously you need to, he's ripped... anyway so I've been doing therapy on myself to try and figure out why I am such a freak. I mean yes I was the President and Founder of the Weirdos Club in 1988 but I am becoming weirder as time goes on, and as i get more comfortable being alone I'm afraid I'm going to end up like Miss Havisham and walk around my house in a filthy wedding gown every single day mourning the wedding that didn't happen. I am such a big mouth and sooo outgoing and funny until I see a guy I may be potentially interested in.. then I shut up completely and try to find the nearest large plant or curtains to hide behind. This is not cool. I am going to use myself as a science experiment and see what happens if I dare myself to talk to a cute guy. I will say that I did say 1 single sentence to a certain mustachioed tattooer who i think is really cute.. but I left it at just the one sentence to assure that nothing like making out could possibly happen. I will keep you posted if I manage to speak to an attractive man..maybe I should make Liv punch me in the face if I don't?

Valient Thorrrrrr

2009-08-27T17:45:00.000-07:00

So Valient Himself came out to LA last week and had a brodeo!

We got to meet up at The Viper Room where he was DJing for his last night in town after twittering back
and forth about music and making out.
He played a million amazing songs and then we went on a Lord of the Rings style trek across Hollywood where he yelled at a lady in a yellow Corvette blaring house music "That music is fucking awful, you should go ahead and turn it off!" and asked a guy named Jim Morrison if he liked The Doors.
And then we stood on Hollywood Blvd at 3 am so I could try to catch a bus, even though we were a stoned viking from space, a blonde girl who dresses like an Indian and how ever the fuck you'd describe me , we were NOT the weirdest ones there.
We saw Cookie Monster walking arm in arm with 2 sluts, 2 flower people hitting each other in the face with flowers,a guy getting thrown out of Playhouse in a suit, totally wasted with his dick out and a cop driving the wrong way down Hollywood!
FRIDAY! So even though it was a short hang it was totally eventful and amazing!

..oh...Tattoo Hollywood...

2009-08-25T09:58:00.000-07:00

Saturday night Natasha and I got alllll dressed up and almost fell asleep trying to figure out what to do. Around 10:30 I got a text from Juan saying that a bunch of Tattoo Hollywood dudes were going to Jumbo's Clown Room around the corner from our apt.
We were in! We jumped up and did 3 shots of Jack each and called a cab.
(It's the Tits and Tatts way!)
Once we got there we saw a very long line and the door guy told us that it would be a 30 minute wait to get in.
We hate waiting.
We get through the door and are shocked at how many chicks are there!
There is a girl on stage dancing to the Pixies in a pink and black corset, looking very adorable we push past the crowd around the stage and both run up to hug Juan and he tells us that it is that dancer's bday, so that is why it is packed in there.
We get drinks and watch girl after girl get on stage and dance to songs we love.
One girl who seems to be very drunk but wearing a very hot white tank cut into a top that is all about undercleave (Under cleavage is the new top cleavage. TREND SPOTTING!) takes a ribbon and wraps it around the pole and leans back over the tip rail to show off her ass and slips and tumbles into a very happy customer's lap. I let out a loud laugh and then feel bad as she recovers.
We stand near the stage and then some dude walks up to Natasha and taps her on the shoulder (we are quickly realizing that this is "The move " of men in LA, tap tap.) and starts talking about Led Zepplin, and Natasha doesn't really pay him much attention until some chick comes up (and taps HIM on the shoulder!) and says "What are you doing?! Your DATE is outside on the phone with the nanny because something happened you should go check on her!".
Very classy.
So as the douche is walking away with his date, one of the dancers, a tall, very thin, fair skinned girl with black hair and some sort of harness around her waist comes up and starts talking to us about the celebrity who is wasted in the corner.
"CSI Miami I think? What is that guy from?"
I have never seen a CSI anything but Natasha knows who he is.
She immediately is our favorite.
Next up a chick comes on stage who is bigger than either of us and is galloping around the stage, we are unamused by anything we can see in our own room so we start scoping out the dudes.
Natasha nudges me and says "That guy looks like Rocky!"
I say "Yeah, a really chesty hot Rocky." and then he walks up to us to squeeze by and Juan grabs him and says "Have you guys met Ron my Best friend?"
Nope...but I was ready to!
Ron was very funny and let me grab his chest as much as I wanted so I was sticking with him! (When I get wasted someone has to be the boss of me.)
When I look up from Ron's Motorhead tattoo I see natasha talking to some guy with GooGoo Dolls highlights and figure I should save her when I heard him say
"I'd really love to shoot you."
ditto.
Then I point out a chick who is hiking her skirt up in the corner.
Last call happened and we did some shots with Rocky, and then the chick who was hiking her skirt up comes and asks us for coke and says "I'm a mom and this is my only night out!" poor kids, we tell her we dont have any and she loses interest in us.We tell highlights that if he wants to party with people cooler than him he should take us back to Juan's hotel where they were having the convention.
On the way there we make highlights slow down next to busy street corners where bars were letting out so we could yell "I love your Bumpit!" and the ever-classic
"I can see your vagina!
We go up to the hotel pool and see that the crowd from Tattoo Hollywood are all there hanging poolside, Natasha gets the last beer and highlights tries to share with her, she says "No. That's gross.".
He says "Well I drove you here."
Natasha says "Yeah and we got you into this party so shut up."
Then Juan asks me to escort Ron up to his room to grab beers, in my mind I say "Thanks Juan!!". Ron grabs me and we walk arm in arm up into the elevator and turn around to see that highlights had followed us! Boo!
We grab beers and go back down to the pool just in time for everyone to get kicked out and all have to go back up to the hotel room. Juan, Natasha, Chops, Forrest, and a bunch of people head back upstairs. It ends up being really fun, we just drink booze and all joke about dumb stuff until about 4 and then we take a cab home.
The next day we decide to go see what is up at the convention, so we roll in still hungover around 5 and call Juan for passes, his adorable show assistant comes out and hands us wristbands, we follow her in and thank Juan then we walk around.
I am totally surprised at how many dudes are talking to us and how many people we know there! I guess tattoo conventions are the only time we can get a bulk of our friends together. We got some cards from rad tattooers and almost punched Eli in the nuts twice so all in all it was a success! We got to see some work by Dan Smith but the real thing that impressed me was his cards...they were Joy Division business cards!Sigh. We also got to meet a few guys from Gold Rush in Costa Mesa..actually most people at the show that I liked were from Costa Mesa and San Fran.
ok..so this blog was more about partying than the convention ...but that is what we are good at.

Ok LA, I am sick of going to amazing shows alone!

2009-08-24T15:55:00.000-07:00

My two favorite record stores in LA are Amoeba(obvi) and Vacation Vinyl in Los Feliz.
They both have had some killer in stores since I moved here, but this weekend Vacation put on the end all be all best in store I have been to,with Professor and Holy Grail!!Holy grail is one of those great metal bands that just make you want to party! I kept finding myself laughing at everything from when the lead singer said "Hey if anyone wants cds or merch...we don't have any!" to the guitarists Brontosaurus tattoo, to the other guitarist joking about Jimmy Buffett(my old boss). Holy Grail also has this amazing sound, almost like if you mixed Judas Priest and Valient Thorr together and one perfect little party monster.
My ears rang for the entire weekend and I didn't mind because it was a reminder of how awesome the show was.
I will say this though, showing up alone in LA is rough, everyone seemed to be staring me down the whole time.In NY I would be able to go to shows like this alone and know that I would run into someone I knew but here I can't seem to get anyone to do things with me and Natasha works like a million hours a week so I've been spending a lot of time doing stuff alone.
But I left the record store sweaty, happy and amazed by the display that has just been put on in the 6 square feet of space that the bands had to perform in.
Now I wanna put on a show with Professor and Hull for my viewing pleasure.
Professor had these great purely metal elements and they were very serious about melting everone's face.
So please check out the Vacation Vinyl blog and both bands on their myspace!
Thanks.

http://www.vacationvinyl.com/

Professor!

http://www.myspace.com/professorrips

HOLY GRAIL!

http://www.myspace.com/holygrailofficial

"Why do you have a Dio tattoo?!"

2009-08-23T20:55:00.000-07:00

Because he rules faces off and lives in pocket of space that has no time where dragons walk the earth and the sky rains blood and rainbows happen at night. That's why.

I wonder if Jamba Juice has a “ Erase the hangover” boost..?

2009-08-22T14:41:00.000-07:00

I drank entirely too much last night .
Last week I got an email for Bob Roberts solo art show at Canvas LA. The last show at canvas LA was so much fun and now Natasha is here so we decided to go. Tattoo Hollywood is going on this weekend and this was supposed to be the kick off party so we knew we would run into our friends from other shops around the country. I really needed to see some friendly faces, (the last few months have made me realize that I have not had to make friends and start from scratch in a place since I moved to Florida in the 6th grade).
So Thursday rolls around and we go down to Fairfax and immediately we see Juan Puente standing outside in a crowd of famous tattooers and people we see around town. (Juan is one of those people who everyone loves, and for good reason, we have talked about how amazing his tattoos are but Juan is known all over for being a fun, funny and genuinely great person. Anywhere you go if his name comes up people only have amazing things to say about his tattoos and his character,and when he is in LA we get to hang with him, and it is always a great time.)

We say hi, then go inside and Natasha and I both are
totally blown away by Bob Roberts’ paintings, they are so detailed and colorful and span over different genres ,and Natasha and I just talk about winning the lottory so we can own some of the large pieces.

We walk into the back gallery space and a man walks up and tells us that there is an open bar.
We walk back to the furthest room and I order a Sailor Jerry Rum and coke.
Sailor Jerry rum has a very high alcohol content and has a history of getting me VERY wasted.. I decide then and there that I am going to be taking it to the limit and breaking all of the rules. Natasha is driving so she has to be in charge.
(HAHA. Payback for the Motley Cruise where she got wasted and sat in a trucker's lap then did a headstand in a skirt and then said god knows what to the guys in Skid Row for like an hour...I was not that outta hand though.)
We have a few drinks and then run into our old friends Eli Quinters, Steve Boltz and their shop partner Bert Krak they all seem to have gotten matching gold teeth since I saw them at Christmas.
What ever happened to just getting friendship bracelets?

We have a blast and then Juan invites us to hang out with him and a bunch of people after the show at the rainbow. At this point I have had about 4 drinks and know that I'm probably about to make a fool of myself.
People tend to think that I have a crazy party time life but in actuality I rarely drink...shhh tell no one!
We walk into the Rainbow and immediately see Evan Seinfeld from Biohazard, he makes eye contact with me and I get embarrassed
and look away... normal.
We walk up to the bar and meet up with Chops, Forrest,(who I had met at Ink and Iron) and Oliver Peck.
This is the point where my memory gets fuzzy. I remember Evan Seinfeld walking past us over and over again and staring at us from across the room and me yelling "No I will not make a porno with you and your wife Evan!...ok maybe I will, what am I doing tha is so important that I can't make that porno money?!!
I also vaguely remember telling Juan to introduce me to dudes who are single and saying something to Oliver about a fruitplate.
Haha...I'm ridiculous. But besides waking up with a massive hangover it was a really great time, no harm no fowl.
So why do I feel guilty and like I should be embarrassed?

We rule.

2009-08-19T17:23:00.000-07:00

So tonight there is supposed to be a dj set by Slash and Buddyhead at the bar near our house.
Natasha plans on showing up as close to naked as possible and I plan on punching Pearla in the vag.
I'm so happy we are back together again!
I can't wait to have a job and be able to afford drinking again.

Twitter is my boyfriend.

2009-08-18T14:04:00.001-07:00

So Twitter has been amazing to me the last few weeks.

I have made friends with people at the Viper Room, and dudes from Valient Thorr and Earlyman but even better than all of that I have gotten myself an internship at The World Famous Comedy store! Which is pretty amazing considering when I was a kid I used to dream of visiting LA and seeing shows there. I am a comedy geek , and if I didn’t have stage fright so bad I would have been in stand up years ago!

I have been slacking on the blog BIG TIME since we are not rich and can’t steal innerwebs at our new place, which is lame ..I know!

So, I have been making our local Yogurtland my daytime office, which is pretty hilarious since their password is JESUSLUVSU and I am just in there googling for the Eric Dane sex tape.

Living in LA is a total trip, thank god Natasha is here with me though. I felt like a lot of people here didn’t really get my sense of humor and then I realized that they are all a bunch of stoners who are just a bit too slow for my fast paced jokes. But now the team is back together and we are laughing at it all together!

This week should be pretty epic, we got invited to see Slash and Buddyhead DJ tomorrow at the bar near our house, tomorrow is also The Comedians of Chelsea Lately at the Comedy Store, and Thursday is the Bob Roberts art show at Canvas LA, and next week DANIELLA is hereeee!! Man I sure have missed my SWEET D! So we will pretty much be taking over LA. If anyone wants in on this monsterous August calendar of events hit me up!

And don’t forget to follow me on twitter

www.twitter.com/Livviesmalls

and Natasha

www.twitter.com/Natasha_Darling

The best meal I have had in LA has been made by me.

2009-08-05T15:10:00.000-07:00

I never thought of LA as a culinary Mecca, but I seriously can not get a good meal in this town! Maybe I was spoiled by the restaurants of NY that would be reasonably priced and delicious. But I have not found a good meal here for under $15!!
I made a bunch of food to bring to Hollywood Forever to see "Some Like it Hot" for my friend's birthday and I brought the best food and thought I'd share the recipes.

Home made spicy grilled plum BBQ sauce-
5 plums (sliced, peeled and pitted)
1 cup brown sugar
2 cloves garlic
1/4 cup finely chopped red onion
2 chipotle peppers
2tblsp liquid smoke
3 cups ketchup
2 tblsp balsamic vinegar
1 tblsp olive oil
1 tblsp chopped Ginger

Take the plum slices and grill them then dice them.
In a pan on medium put in the olive oil then sautee the onions and garlic when those are browned add in the plums and brown sugar and ginger. Keep stirring as you add ingredients.
Now take this mixture off of the heat and stir in the smoke and the balsamic and take a handblender to the mix and blend all of the lumps out.

Black Eyed Pea Salad
1 Can Black Eyed Peas
½ Green tomato diced
2 Cloves garlic chopped
1/3 Cup finely diced red onion
1/3 cup Italian salad dressing
4 tblsp hot sauce
2 tblsp lemon juice
Mix all ingredients in a bowl and let rest, the longer they marinate the better so feel free to do this the day before.
Salt and pepper to taste.

Corn cakes topped with bbq-ed chicken and cheddar
(serve with black eyed pea salad)

1 Box cornbread mix
1 Egg
½ cup milk
1 Green tomato sliced thin
2 grilled and pulled chicken breast
2 cups cheddar
2 tblsp butter
1 cup cilantro

Mix the cornbread mix with the eggs and milk depending on the mix you might want to add some water, it should be the consistency of pancake batter.
Now heat the pan and butter the bottom and drop the cornbread mixture by the spoonful to make cookie size
pancakes. Drop the slices of green tomato on top of each pancake so that it sinks into the batter a bit, once the batter starts to bubble up flip it over.
Once they are golden brown take them out of the pan and let them rest.
Toss the pulled chicken with the BBQ sauce then layer.
Corncake, pulled chicken, cilantro, cheddar, then place under the broiler to melt the cheddar and serve with the black eyed pea salad.

GET OFF MY TV!!!!!!!

2009-08-04T21:45:00.000-07:00

Dear Aubry from LA Ink, I know that your attempt to become famous from banging Bret Michaels went terribly awry when even he refused to bang you, but I must insist that you remove yourself from my television immediately. You are a fucking numbskull and know absolutely nothing about tattoos, tattooing, tattooers or how to spell any word containing more than 5 letters. I hate to bring this up, but also you are ugly and looking at your face angers me. LA Ink used to feature beautiful tattoos and pretty girls (and of course Corey) and now I am forced to look at your trollish face, which I do not enjoy.
If you had half a brain, I could respect you but my pet hamsters who died tragically from being hamsters, were much more evolved than you. You should not be permitted to work in an establishment where needles are in use, unless of course you are vaccinating people as a precaution for whatever diseases you are most likely carrying. LA Ink is about tattoos, and I can't even remember what any of the tattoos on the show have been this season because I am too busy screaming and throwing my couch pillows at the TV and asking the Gods WHY?????? I should have been the shop manager NOT YOU.
I implore you, please go back under the bar table that you came from and leave my show alone. Kat Von D is really too nice of a person with the patience of a Pope because I would have clocked you a long time ago if I were your boss. If I see you out in Hollywood I am going to pull out your fake hair and punch some sense into your face so please avoid me.
-Natasha

P.S. Leave Corey Miller alone!!!!
Thanks

How come this is the only way to get all of my friends together?!

2009-08-01T13:40:00.000-07:00

I guess when you get to be my age your friends are all spread out across the country, people grow up and move. I am hoping since my bday the last 2 years have been me plus 1 as opposed to the full out crazy music fests of years prior I have decided for my 30th I need to get everyone together! It's my goal to have a beautiful destination party zone...so start saving now sweeties!!!

I like free trips.

2009-07-25T17:14:00.000-07:00

When you have big boobs occasionally you get free things , like free drinks and concert tickets and last week I got a free trip to vegas ..Thanks boobs!
For some reason this is not new to me, I have been getting free trips from men most of my adult life.
So a few weeks ago out of desperation on the mountain I looked at 2 craigslist ads one of them ended up being an old man and the other ended up being an old friend of mine, Zach, from Alabama who lives in LA now, and that was the end of looking for dudes on Craigslist. It was cool to reconnect with an old friend though. So one night I get a late night im from him inviting me to Vegas. I kept saying no and he kept sweetening the deal with 60 year old tequila and paying for all of my meals, so finally I told him I have $2 so if it was less than $2 I would totally go… he said he would pay for everything so I said I was in . So the next day I threw all my slut gear in a duffel bag and got picked up around 2.
We met up with his friend and a stripper with no tits and hit the road.
(You know how I don’t have friends with small boobs)
It all started out fine, we were in the car and the music was perfect! Zach and I have the exact same taste in bands, from old Saves the Day to Radio-dred to Slayer it was perfect. The other two wanted to listen to house music which I think is audiobarf, and at one point Zach’s friend tried to tell me about this amazing new band he is into called Linkin Park… I told him that that was ear murder and that we had nothing else to talk about.
Somewhere around Ontario California Zach turned his phone on and got a message from the chick watching his bird that the bird had gone missing so he had to pull over into the parking lot of a Carl’s Junior to call her and see what was going on. We spent about an hour in that parking lot and in that time the studdering security guy with tourettes came and checked on us about 10 times, 2 little 16 year old girls showed us their awful tattoos, and Tammy the stripper’s bitching began. “When are we leaving?” , “I’m missing out on money for this!” , “I feel bad n all but pets die, lets hit the road!”.
I was not impressed with her.
I was really sad and started tearing up because I was worried I had left the door open or something.
Zach finally found out that the bird was under the bed and totally fine and we hit the road.
We rolled into Vegas somewhere around 2:30, got changed , drank some of that amazing tequila and went to go find breakfast. We hit the casino floor and Zach was ringing the bells on every machine he touched. He won $500 in the first 10 minutes so there went finding breakfast …right out the window!

Somewhere around 7:30 am I was exhausted and couldn’t even stand up anymore so I had to beg and plead to get them to leave the roullette table. We got back to the hotel and I just crashed. We all woke up when the cleaning lady came in around 1, it was overcast so we couldn’t go to the pool and Tammy bitched about it. So we decided to go to the strip . All I wanted to see was my old friends who worked at Margaritaville, I didn’t care what else I would have to sit through I just wanted 20 minutes of catching up with people I haven’t seen . So after hours of drinking and whining we finally go to Margaritaville, we are there for 10 minutes and everyone got drinks, no one paid, so I was forced to put it on my card over drawing my account. Then there were hours of sitting in a casino and staring at a wall while Zach gambled thousands of dollars away. I honestly think I would have had an awesome time if it was just me and Zach and some other people but I was stuck with the complainer and the mute and I was getting just too fed up ! So as it started to get late I started texting to see who else was in Vegas..it was a good weekend to be there because my RAD boss from the bar in Brooklyn, Julie was there working a convention there, Rob, Natasha’s cousin was in town visiting his folks, and Katie’s friend Alex was working out there from Brooklyn and just wanted to party! So I got some free passes off of this dude to get into all of the bars at the Hard Rock . We met up with a friend of Zach’s who was a really cool chick artist who lived out there and I somehow cattled everyone over there just to find out that I just missed one of my all time favorite bands The Toadies , and the show woulda been free!
Total Drag.

Well I go to find Alex who is meeting us and I end up going with him and his friends to Body English stealing away the fun chick which I guess was disappointin to the mute because he was trying to put moves on her. So we all go dancing and it is 30 minutes of amazing going crazy, not caring what anyone thinks fun. Then Ifigure I should go try to find the rest of my “party” and as suspected they are all in some diner in the Hard Rock staring at the walls behind each others heads.
BORING!
The stripper starts immediately asking Alex if he has any weed , and when he says “Not for you.” I laugh and she turns away from him to prove she had no use for him. Then I was just embarrassed to be near here. So now it becomes a mission. She HAS to have weed. She sends the boys to ask everyone and starts walking up to complete strangers while I sit in front of a slot machine and watch them approach black guys who think they are narks. Then a fight breaks out in the diner and a bunch of cops with dogs show up, which doesn’t help the nark rep that my group has. So we go outside to wait in the cab line and Zach stays behind because he was up $300 on a machine. The stripper and I are sitting on a corner ledge and we see a girl stumble up and sit beside us and looks like she is crying, the mute walks up to her and speaks! (This was like the few times I have ever seen Silent Bob speak.. I wasn’t sure what to make of it, but I wanted to know what he’d say.)
He walked up and asked the drunk chick if she was ok, the next thing I know they are fully making out…ahhhhh…Vegas! So the stripper and I walk down to the front of the driveway to wait on her weed dealer/ taxi driver she met when she got left in Vegas last weekend. I’m really starting to see why she got left in Vegas that time around by this point. We look over to the cab line of drunken people waiting for taxis and they are all looking on as the mute is getting a blow job from this drunk chick.
He gets half a blow job before her friends come looking for her. We end up going to the hotel again as the sun is almost fully up and pass out to the sweet soothing sounds of a titless stripper bitching about herb.
I wake up the next day and the boys are talking about getting another hotel room and staying another night. (Sadists!) I wake up and tell Zach how greatful I am for him taking me on this trip, hoping that the Tammi would take the hint and follow my lead! Then comes the speech about how much money the stripper is losing being on this vacation that she can’t even tan on and like bells from heaven, my phone rings and it is Rob inviting me to a karaoke competition. I ask him if I can catch a ride back to LA with him and being the amazing guy he is he says “SURE! It’d be fun!”. So I pack my bag and dart out of the room.
Rob is sitting downstairs and we head to this amazing Karaoke competiton that was totally epic! There was a Rick James AND a James Brown impersonator and I sat with 3 large and hilarious black women and made fun of almost everyone and hurt myself laughing. Then Rob and I went for Margaritas and slept at his parent’s house. In the morning we got egg mcmuffins and hit the road and had an amazing trip home! It was so scenic, and we just talked and joked the whole way. It was great. I heard from Zach later that he told Tammi off the next day at the hotel and the ride home was verrry awkwad!!
The moral of the story is , a free trip is a free trip but make sure you have a back up plan!!

I'm BAAAACK

2009-07-24T10:30:00.001-07:00

I know all of you have been wondering the F I have been and why I haven't been blogging. Well I was in Texass for a while preparing for my new life in LA. Nothing much happened there, here's a brief pictorial recap of my time in Dallas:
I liked to watch the Long horns roam the streets of Ft Worth

I had to constantly remind myself not to bring my gun everywhere. I took this photo at my Dr's office

Dad and I drove across the bottom half of our great nation, and mostly looked at this for three days.

Which brought me here.

And now I am ready to party like it's 1999> Literally, I used to make out with dudes that year. I have already been making amazing progress, first of all I have seen over 3 guys that I would get naked with and touch inappropriately AND when I saw the cute mohawk at Cinespace not only did I not run into the bathroom or fall down, but i actually made eye contact and smiled. That's like 2nd base. So in conclusion, I love LA and everyone should be looking forward to stories of debauchery and triumph over evil.
Our contest began July 15th: First one to make out with a celebrity wins a taco dinner. The race is on. I may like tacos more that frenching, but then again who can remember.

Tonight was weird!

2009-07-17T00:53:00.000-07:00

So tonight Tash and I went to Cinespace to celebrate living in LA!
It was supposedly an all girl rock band playing with Matt Soren playing drums and Kat Von D hosting. It was actually a Vegas style show with girls in outfits that gave them camel toes covering songs that I used to like, while guys in the adjacent room played songs from
the radio while Kat sat in a booth an drank juice. It was fun, the show was very entertaining and there had to be like 75 fake boobs in the room. But what concerned me was.. No one was dancing! People really don't dance here.. I thought it was just a myth! I think the highlight of the the night was really cute guys talking to us. One guy was working the event, he had a Mohawk and a Scott Caan face, and if you know him please give him Natasha's number, he obviously wanted it because he smiled at her and called us both sweetheart at the door. Then a super cute photagrapher named Ben saved us from a creepy old guy who kept asking us if we were going to see a list of over the hill hair metal bands .. That is what I get for wearing an Iron Maiden dress. So the cute photagrapher has a cute website you should check it out. We are in one of the 900 pictures he took tonight and I don't look so rad because you can't see my boobs in this dress.
Wildhollywoodnights.com
all in all it was a success, guys talked to us, we looked cute, we were clever and I didn't punch any girls in the face for spilling drinks on me or throwing shade!
All that was missing was frenching but .. Give us a break! It was our first party!

I'm up late.

2009-07-15T01:52:00.000-07:00

A hot guys is trying to talk me in to going to Vegas with him.. Almost all exspenses paid. I said no because I am broke.. And he is short.
It just would never work.

Natasha is HERE!

2009-07-10T00:06:00.000-07:00

And she is fully moved in. Now we just need furniture! Fortunately for us the show Clean House will be throwing a garage sale this weekend!
So tonight we went with her dad to the Santa Monica Pier and spotted our first in person celebrity gang bang member John Slattery... I seriously gagged when I saw that fucking hot ass silver fox in person. He is so tall!! Natasha says she locked eyes with him, I wouldn't know I was trying too hard not to barf...or ask him to get me pregnant.
We also saw Jake Busey and little Jenny humphries from Gossip Girl, niether was as exciting as silver fox
overlord. So after the pier we rushed home to watch the premiere of LA Ink. I think Natasha moved here early just to watch the premiere with me. Anyway, we watch it and they totally hired an annoying troll with no tattoos whowas the creepy slut from Rock of Love to be the shop assistant! Why?!? Here I am trying every possible thing to get a job on LA an this sabertooth walks in with no experience and gets hired?! So annoying. Just to get over it we had to watch TWO episodes of Tattoo Highway! The only thing that could help is Thomas's pretty ass face!

A question..

2009-07-08T00:01:00.000-07:00

Which is worse.. Being Sarah Palin or being Sarah Silverman? i dunno, a lifetime of dick, fart and halocaust jokes seems pretty shitty..
And I like snow boots and taxidermy. I guess it is always going to be worse to be Palin. She is universally annoying. I'm sure the French LOVE Silverman.
Next up Ann Coulter or Dane Cook?

Can someone teach me how to tattoo?

2009-07-02T00:11:00.000-07:00

LBR, I was a chef, it means I can work hard and make dick jokes all day long.
That's all it takes.. Right?

My dvr was previously owned by either a black woman or a gay man.

2009-06-30T21:53:00.001-07:00

The saved shows were "the secrets of the Karma Sutra", "secrets of black men revealed" and "NY goes to work".
Someone loves secrets!
...AND blunders!

My ad on Craigslist.

2009-06-23T23:15:00.000-07:00

Since I live on a mountain top and have no idea how to talk to dudes, I did what everyone in my predicament does, turned to the internet.
I looked at 2 MFW on CL the other nighht then I felt dirty and turned my computer off.
One of the guys im-ed me, I recognized the screen name, it was a guy that I had late night calls with about 10 years ago when he lived in Alabama and I lived in Florida. This world is entirely too small.
So I put this ad on CL to see if anyone has a sense of humor AND good beard in LA.

Why don't guys in LA have good beards? - 28 (Hollywood)

I just moved to LA from NY and I don't think that there are any hot beards here.
Maybe the kinds of guys i like are not on the internet, maybe they are fixing an old car or knocking over a gas station.
But it's worth a shot.
If you are a tall guy (like over 6'1''), with a beard, tattoos, handlebar moustache, great sense of humor, in their late 20's early 30's with a southern accent, who loves fun then please email me.
If you look like Ryan Hurst on Sons of Anarchy, or if you have a denim vest cut out from a denim jacket, if you like classic rock and metal also email me.
If you look like you could be in the following bands Valient Thorr, Bang Camaro, The Bronx or any 70's rocker guy in a denim vest you should also email me.
If you don't know who any of those people are forget about emailling me.
If you are a white guy with dred locks you should be playing hackey sack and not on the internet.
Goatees are NOT BEARDS, so if you have one you are out!
If you own a Enya, Eminem, Dave Matthews Band, Rob Thomas or John Mayer cd then please close this window in your browser now.
I don't wanna put a picture up that would suggest that I want gross dudes from CL sending me pics of their boners, but if you are cute I will fully send pics.

I KNEW SOMETHING WAS UP!

2009-06-23T13:30:00.000-07:00

Last week we told you the story of Kimberley Vlaminck, a dutch girl who said a language barrier with a tattooer had her waking up with 53 more stars tattooed on her face than she had asked for. She has finally admitted that she asked for 56 stars on her face. She said she lied cause her dad was pissed! The tattooer Rouslan Toumaniantz
had said from the beginning that if she was unhappy he would pay for half of her laser removal. What a nice guy.

This was taken from www.dailymail.co.uk -

Miss Vlaminck told a Dutch TV crew:
'I asked for 56 stars and initially adored them.

'But when my father saw them, he was furious.

'So I said I fell asleep and that the tattoist had made a mistake.'

Toumaniantz - himself covered from head to foot in tattoos and piercings - had consistently denied he had made a mistake and always insisted Vlaminck wanted all 56 stars.

He said at the time: 'I maintain that she absolutely agreed that I tattoo those 56 stars on the left side of her face.'

But despite insisting Vlaminck had asked for 56 stars, he still initially agreed to pay for half of the treatment to remove the tattoos.

He said: 'Kimberley is unhappy and it is not my wish to have an unsatisfied client.

'I don't regret it. To tell you the truth, this has given me some publicity.'

Toumanaintz is now said to have withdrawn his offer and said from now on he will get written consent from clients before he begins tattooing.

THAT is a reality show "Stuck on a mountain with a celeb who does not wanna get outta here"

2009-06-20T00:28:00.000-07:00

HOLY FUCKING SHIT!
I am so bored I wanna die!
Living on a mountain is NOT cute!
The celebrity that I am living with accused me of smelling like weed today and I have been on pins and needles the whole night. He said it was cool but I was denying that I had smoked today. And I get all paranoid when someone accuses me of something so I am sure I looked like a shifty ass loser!
Since I have no cell service up here I had to email Natasha.

Liv to Natasha-
Celeb dude just asked if I was smoking weed earlier, he said he smelled it.
And I think he was gunna ask if I wanted to smoke with him but I blushed and denied it
soooo dummmbbb!!!

Natasha to Liv-
Omg!!!!!!!!!!!! You are retarded he probably smokes with his shirt off . Ugh I am so mad at you!!

Liv to Natasha-
haha I know! He said he was gunna smoke some! We probably could have had a mcconaughey style topless drum circle! I just kept saying "I didn't smoke todayyy... but.."
UGH IDIOT!
He was like "It is cool we were gunna smoke some later!" hahah
I'll bring him herb-treats from katie to make up for it.
At least I had makeup on this time!
oh AAAANNND in the back ground when he came over was that Lushus song "HO FO SHO"
Like really loud hip hop...I'm so weird! Lonliness has made me a total freak!

You know what is fun...?

2009-06-19T13:34:00.001-07:00

Online window shopping ... perfect for your broke friend!Since Craigslist LA is fully lame I have been strolling around the internet imagineering my new life.
I am decorating the entire apt (that I am not sure if we got) with things I don't have money to buy. But I have decided that our living room should look like a victorian tattoo shop with a red velvet couch and the mantle full of apothocary jars and antlers. The kitchen will be a tribute to my restaurant in Manhattan,Cafe Juanita, with 50's diner accents, racey movie pictures,Day of the Dead skulls and bright colors.
And my bedroom will be Swedish inspired with and orange wall with a huge black and white Mick Jagger painting over my bed and curtains that look like trees.
Sound cool?
Maybe I should do interior design.
I bet I can't find that job on Craigslist..

Girl gets 57 "accidental" tattoos!

2009-06-18T16:59:00.000-07:00

There are some things that I just do not get about this story.
#1- Don't get a tattoo in a foreign country! I mean there are exceptions but a face tattoo by a guy who doesn't speak the same language is a bad idea!
#2- How do you pass out getting your face tattooed?! Black tar heroin?
#3- Why wasn't there a tattoo outline put on the skin first for the girl to see?

I think something is very fishy about this!

Taken from The Daily News-
A botched tattoo has one teen seeing stars.

A horrified Belgian woman woke up in a tattoo parlor with 56 stars covering the left side of her face, after, she claims, she only asked for 3, The Daily Mail reports.

Eighteen-year-old Kimberly Vlaeminck is suing Romanian tattoo artist Rouslan Toumaniantz for 10,000 Euros to pay for its removal.

Although Toumaniantz maintains that Vlaeminck asked for all 56 stars and he has the witnesses to prove it, he is willing to split the cost of removal.

"Kimberley is unhappy and it is not my wish to have an unsatisfied client," Toumaniantz said. "There is a way to remove the tattoos with the help of a laser. I accept to pay for half the cost."

Toumaniantz insists that Vlaeminck left his shop happy and satisfied with the job he had done decorating her face. She only started complaining after her father and her boyfriend saw her and were horrified, the Daily Mail says.

Vlaeminck blames the language barrier for the mess up. She asked for the three stars in French and limited English, and she says Toumaniantz didn't understand her.

But the tattoo artist maintains he understood her perfectly.

"She asked for 56 stars and that's what she got," he said.

FOLLOW US ON TWITTER!!

2009-06-16T17:39:00.000-07:00

....well follow Me on Twitter!
xox -Liv
http://twitter.com/livviesmalls

Why is it

2009-06-15T00:42:00.000-07:00

that you only hear Enya when you are getting a massage or when a middle aged guy is trying to bang you? Also see Moby and Dido.

I'm not gay but....All lady Celebrity Gang Bang

2009-06-14T17:40:00.000-07:00

So this weekend is Gay Pride and since I did the prop 8 march I felt like an all girl gang bang was in order! There are a few girls that make us rethink being into dudes...and then we remember that girl on girl sex sounds like stirring macaroni.

Mrs Sherry Zombie-
As you all know I am in love with Rob Zombie...and seeing him with this beautiful and cool girl makes me feel awful! She is perfect! Try to find a flaw..I dare you!

Angelina Jolie Pitt-
I think at some point every single one of us has looked at Ang and said "Whoa..I'd hit it!". When Brad dumped Jen for her I think Natasha and I both said "Well...yeah!"
She is so hot that I remember watching Foxfire and questioning things when I was a teen, but that was before I had had sex...with a man.

Scar jo-
Here is another case of a girl so perfect that we aren't mad for dating one of the hottest guys in hollywood. Actually I could never be friends with any of these girls because almost all of them have dated someone that we have had in Celebrity Gang Bang!
Can you and Ryan leak a sex tape already please?!

Selma Hayek-
Our blog is called Tits and Tatts because we LOVE tits and tattoos! I think that big juggs are awesome and I can say that most of the girls I am friends with have huge cans...and I am pretty sure that is why I love Selma, plus she is BEAUTIFUL! ..and lots not forget smart and funny! Plus she has a hot latino accent, usually I think spanish accents are lame and everyone sounds like Penelope Cruz ( just a lazy face with a mouth fulla marbles)but hers is very hot. Even when she says "McFlurrrrrrrrry" on 30 Rock.

Marisa Tomei-
I know I just did a blog about how hot Marisa was in The Wrestler but it needs to be said again..she is beautiful and a great actress and definitely deserves to be on a better blog.

Megan fox-
She is the new Angelina! Dangerous and edgy, but incredibly sexy. I know I am older than she is but I think she could teach me things. Maybe she should give a class on how to look like her and bang guys that weren't on the original 90210.

Trying hard to find a job, apt, and a new tattoo crew..

2009-06-11T21:03:00.000-07:00

So Tuesday I went out looking at apts in Hollywood. I found a beautiful 2 story apartment...in a shiitty neighborhood and decided to drop resumes for jobs and keep lookin. So I took the bus and then walked all over Hollywood from Western to fairfax down to Melrose and up La Brea and a whole lot of places in between. My legs are still sore. I dropped resumes all over the place and walked in to a handfull of tattooshops to look at portfolios. I am gunna need to know who to go to once I get a job and can afford to get this sleeve finished. (Obviously it is just wishful thinking right now.) I was pleasently surprised by the few tattooers I met though, they all had great style and were extremely friendly, all of them struck up conversations with me and checked out my Octopus, one of them even knew Eli who did the piece. That made me feel a whole lot better about finding people to hang out with out here. Some people might think that it is kind of snobby, but my friends who hang out at tattoo shops just talk a different way with each other, it is like a barber shop in that aspect. You kind of fall right into dick jokes and teasing each other...sigh... I miss my friends...

Hey girls! Here is a tip...

2009-06-10T19:55:00.000-07:00

Don't date guys in famous bands...or bands that might get famous.
Because when you dump them for being a burn out and wanting to leave his tour with Slayer to start a reggea band you still have to see his stupid face everywhere after you break up and then years later see that his band got their own fucking sneaker. Well I guess that's what I get for not doing heroin and living in a van in Georgia.

We've been lame..

2009-06-09T21:28:00.000-07:00

Natasha has been working her ass off in Dallas so that we can finally be together again here in LA and I have been looking for an apt for us and a job so we have not been blogging much.
That is not very

I...had...the time of my liiiiffee...

2009-06-07T14:07:00.000-07:00

This weekend was the Ink and Iron Festival in Long Beach.
I am gunna shoot straight with you guys 90% of the reason I wanted to be in LA by June was because I went last year and had the time of my life. It was like someone had snuck into my dreams and tried really hard to make them all real.

First Peggy Punch flies in from NY Thursday night and comes up to"The Manor", we have some cocktails and go grab dinner to meet up with Nico to roll out to Long Beach. Once we walk up to Alex's bar and I see the crowd in the parking lot and hear the Murder City Devils blaring I feel like I am in heaven. This is my new favorite bar, cheap drinks, rad people, great music and a photobooth! Peggy knew a group of tattooers at the door, Nico went into the bathroom and saw some girl pee in the sink while she talked about Nico's tits, Julie was a man magnet and I kept saying "I am so happy!".
I had $6 patrons and saw Saviour play.

They melted faces. The more I looked around at the crowd of bearded tattooed men, the more excited I got...and the more I wish I knew how to talk to men. I hoped that I would learn in the next few hours so I would be ready for flirting at Ink and Iron. Once we were deafened we all climbed in Julie's car and were off to find food and sleep on her livingroom floor. We went to some diner where there were loads of douche bags who ate off of our plates and tried hitting on us. We stayed up late laughing it was like a regular sleep over and in the morning we got ready together and headed to the Queen Mary. The whole day was amazing. There were a whole bunch of amazing cars and tattooers, it was definitely a lot smaller than last year though. Then once we had been drinking all day and the sun was setting The Bronx started plying on a stage in front of the ship. It was epic. Only a few people were actually there for the bands so we had a great view. As I listened to Matt Caughthran's southern accent and thought about how much I loved southern accents on men but how happy I was to live in California.
Then ....The Eagles of Death Metal played and I went berzerker. One of my all time favorite bands with one of the sexiest lead singers known to rock and roll, Jesse Hughes. Sigh....

EODM

The Bronx!!!

The next day I woke up at Nico's house and dumped out my purse and it looked like a tattoo convention hangover.

We decided to go to Swingers for Brunch, go see The Hangover and then later go to Spaceland to see our friends The Ringers play a cheap show. Brunch was delicious and we got a window seat to see a gaggle of pro skaters hanging by a van, The Hangover was AMAZING, I laughed entirely too hard, but I knew if Zach had a lead role it had to be hilarious, then we went to change for Spaceland.
The show was awesome, I had not seen The Ringers in soo long and they never disappoint! Just as we were about to leave the 2nd band started with a cover of my all time favorite song "Fox on the Run" so we stayed. I stared st the guitarist insisting that he used to be a bartender on the Lower East Side. I was wrong. It was Gilby Clark, haha, same diff!

So that is a short recap of the 2 woman Lollapalooza that was this weekend.
It was the best weekend ever, Nico!!

I just saw the wrestler.

2009-06-01T21:04:00.000-07:00

........everyone was right, Marissa's bod was rockin!

Saturday wasted..?

2009-05-30T15:24:00.000-07:00

The problem with living in California is everyday is so pretty that you feel obligated to be out in it. So now I slept all day fighting off a cold and feel like I wasted the day. But every day is a saturday when you have no job so I guess ity doesn't really matter. Back to watching my Undeclared and Freaks and Geeks DVDs and spotting people before they were stars.

Show etiquitte.

2009-05-30T01:48:00.000-07:00

Tonight I went to see King Kahn at The Echo. This was my first real show in LA, and because of it I have decided that people who goes to shows here are fucktards.

There is a certain thing that I am not sure if people here understand..Show Etiquitte.
Let me channel that Countess from RHNY for just a moment and explain some simple rules for going to a show..

1. Understand personal space. If I can feel your breath blowing my hair around on top of my head then you are TOO FUCKING CLOSE! And if that is the case I am allowed by hardcore law to use whatever it takes to get you to back the fuck up.
Ex. I turn and say "What the fuck dude..?! Are we dating now?! Because you are basically inside me." and if he does it again I firmly elbow him in the gut.

2. Not everyone is 16, so not everyone loves to mosh! There is a lot of moshing going on in LA.
Even at this King Kahn* show there was some kid with curly blond hair running up to people and shoving them and yelling "Take your aggression out on me!", so Jeremy yelled "I didn't have an aggression until you got here!". Later we saw this kid get hit over the head with a bottle. It was either that or I punch him in the face. (*King Kahn for those who don't know is a band that has the feel good sexy gospel feel of a good James Brown song, NOT the heavyshredding mosh pit appropriate music that I usually go to see live.)

3. Don't push me out of the way so that your asian girlfriend can see the band that she doesn't care about and had never heard of until she met you. She isn't interested and I had to buy my ticket for more money than face value because it sold out due to all of the Uninterested plus ones there.

4. Just because you are trying to fuck the lead singer does not give you permission to jump up and down in front of me to obstruct my view. He sees your tits. I promise.

5. I am 5'7''. If you are 5'10, and there is 10 inches of empty space in front of me, don't squeeze in there just so that I have to standing spoon you and miss a band I paid to see. Don't cheapen what we have.

I'm sure I will think of more later, but this is a good start!

The post that SHOULD HAVE HAD A PICTURE!

2009-05-29T14:40:00.000-07:00

Unfortunately for my political career I know that someone somewhere has pictures of me giving the thumbs up to some girl showing me her boob job last night at Tiny's KO.
She paid a lot of money to have smaller boobs than me, maybe that's why she stole my 20?
Nico and I spent the entire night at Tiny's KO on Hollywood last night and had an amazing time. I have said it 1000 times, I love love that bar! It reminds me if all the stuff I loved about dive bars in NY.

LA is for loser wannabe posers!

2009-05-28T18:41:00.000-07:00

And that's why I live here.

Laugh it up Wall.

Oddly enough I am staying in a beautiful pool house in the back yard of a handsome Hollywood type and I'm all" No cell service or cable..?".
And I feel like I need to have a makeup team on staff 24-7 because I swear I think I saw Jason Statham walk past the front door and look in to see me unpacking 100 pounds of black clothes. I have a feeling I am still holding on to New York and living in Hollywood is like living at the zoo.

That's one CRAAAAAZYYY outfit!

2009-05-24T23:10:00.000-07:00

How many times have you seen someone walking down the street with an outfit that they think is making a statement and you just thought was CRAZY?! So many times for me. Justin and I used to walk around SoHo threatening to slap people on the hand for bad fashion.
Now my genius friends have started the greatest blog...http://thatsacrazyoutfit.com/

Send them pictures of crazy outfits!
I used to play this game when I was taking the D train "Asian or retarded." which turned into "Hobo or Hipster" and then into "European or Gay". I MUST have some pictures of that to send in!
Here is a bunch of crazy outfits..

Spriinngg Breakkk!!

2009-05-21T20:59:00.000-07:00

Why is it that the closer you get to water in America the more the radio plays shitty music like..
Incubus
Jimmy buffet
Red Hot Chili Peppers
Ska
Reggea
Sublime
If music got tougher the further away you got from water then Iowa would be so metal. They would have to change the state slogan to " Dont bring any magnets to Iowa, it's too metal."

Idiot!

2009-05-19T03:28:00.000-07:00

The initial reaction from guys when they see my Dio tattoo is a high five... NOT getting metal Vikings to french me.

This plan has seriously backfired! Well atleast I still have my "Make it rain" tattoo and my octopus with a hook and a pegleg to fall back on.
If it wasn't so hard to take pictures of the back of my own arm I would post pictures.

In celebration of my bad tattoos these are the top 5 douchiest tattoos you can get....
#1- Tribal Arm Band- if you have one you probably work out. Which is good since most people's reaction is to punch the guy attached to the shitty barbwire that you picked off of a wall.
#2- Words in any language you don't speak. Who knew so many blondes learned Chinese by the time they were 18... and in Myrtle Beach..
#3- Any Looney Tune Character- it isn't cool. Maybe if you hang out strictly with 6 year olds. They are the only people really impressed with Taz. If you have this tattoo and you hang out with 6 year olds then you should turn off your computer andget to going door to door in your new neighborhood to have a talk with your neighbors about your criminal history.
#4- Tattoos around nipples, bellybuttons, or on your vag.( backwards tramp stamp)
Not cute. Ever. Dirty and gross? Always!
#5- Your name or face.- unless you are afraid of getting amnesia (I/e you saw Memento 10000 times.) then you just look like a self obsesswd dickbeard. So... That's on you.

I'll leave you with one last lashing..
When people have tattoos that you want to see.. Look with your eyes and not your hands.
I can not tell you how pissed I get when strangers not only touch me but yank my arm up to their stupid face to tell me that my tattoos are really amazing.
No shit.
That's why I bought them instead of wasting my money on an education at Devry you mouth breather!

What I have learned from Twitter...

2009-05-14T11:44:00.000-07:00

Over the last week of living in LA I have been really into Twitter.
I started using it so that i would know where celebs go, and where people that I think are celebs go.
But now I am just totally hooked on some people's updates and just sharing the retarded shit that is on my mind since I have no friends here who care what I have to say, so I am just throwing it out into the universe.
Here is what I know about the people that I follow who update the most ...

Rainn Wilson- Likes Sarah Silverman a whole lot. (I do not)
Diablo Cody- is healing a half sleeve and most tweets are filled with word play.
Alyssa Milano- is shockingly a total sports nut.
Dita Von Teese- is in Europe right now and it sounds like showgirls get TONS of free stuff!
Ethan Suplee- is a great dad and loves, honors and obeys his wife Brandy.
Slash- I think it really is Slash...I'm pretty sure..
Martha Stewart- has time to Twitter?!! She loves talking about food people make for her.
Earlyman Mike- is adorably agro.
Valient Thorr Himself- is on break from tour, watching tons of movies, celebrating his one year kidney transplant anniversary and fully wants to french me.
Anderson Cooper- is still sexy. And is researching why marijuana potency is increasing.
Trent Reznor- is sorting out a way of paying back fans who got ticketed outside of a recent NIN show. How sweet!
Kat Von D- seems do most twitters about being annoyed with Jeffree Starr.
Simon Rexx (Dirt Nasty)- is newly sober and still tryin ta be gangsta while he sips tea and watches Lost episodes.

Honorable mentions to..
Elizabeth Taylor-"Just saw "Twilight" on DVD. I want more!"

What's worse than a really shitty rock band...?

2009-05-11T23:00:00.000-07:00

A shitty rock band that thinks they are good and refuse to wear shirts. Why does steel panther always have the worst opening bands?
I think their name is Immune.. I wish I was immune.
Lead singer thinks he is a triple threat when he is just no threat at all.
Bassist wishes he was in Korn but couldn't audition due to lack of talent.
Guitarist wishes he could time travel to when NY glam/punk was cool.
Drummer got lost on the way to audition for a No Doubt cover band.
Also it smells like whore in here, equal parts vanilla musk that sat in a hot car, desperation and rejection.

...worth it.

Diagram of a Hobo Rave.

2009-05-07T18:11:00.000-07:00

If you are me then you spend a LOT of time finding funny notes that past you wrote to make future you laugh.

Well I got to LA on Monday and now I feel like I am scrambling like all hell to meet people, get a job and an apt.
Typical.
I feel like a majority of the people I have hung out with have been Brooklyn folks at some point and it has made for a constant comparison of the two.
Usually it is something like "I could NEVER do this in Brooklyn!"
Also my dreams of only eating sushi, tacos, and fro-yo have finally come true!!!

Don't get Pig Latin Fever.

2009-05-04T07:42:00.000-07:00

The past 6 weeks have been filled with packing, saying goodbye, stress, organizing, shipping and sleepless nights that all seems to be catching up to me now. I'm so ready for this flight to LA and it has been delayed so now I'm killing time at the airport. Can't wait for a vicodin and a nap. All month I've been exhausted and looking forward to this flight because it signifies everything being done, me being all moved and the first chance I will get to breath! It won't all be done until I load that 200 pound body bag into Gwen's hatchback but for the next 8 hours I'm done, and I can only think about celeb gossip, snacks, and who is the person sitting near me who smells like Burberry cologne.
I am really going to miss NY. I keep thinking about people I could possibly never see again, Its so strange. But it hasn't quite all kicked in. I still feel like I am just going on vacation. I think it will all hit me at once and I will have a major breakdown at Del Taco or some shit!
Now if you'll excuse me.. I have an issue of Geeky Dreamboats and a vicodin with my name all over it.

Kenny Bloggins.

2009-04-24T23:20:00.000-07:00

So here is a little update...
Since I am moving in ten days I don't have a lot of time to update. Packing, working and saying goodbye to NY is taking up a lot of my time.
I have also made the executive decision to make Celebrity Gang Bang twice a month.
In other news Natasha and I will be together again for my going away party!! Woot!
It has been too damn long, and now when we talk it's just about me moving or her working, our forces are stronger when we're together.
Tomorrow I am heading up to Connecticut for a going away dinner. If I take any nice pics I'll post em.

Ps. I will be accepting going away presents in the form of ..
An iPod cause mine died
Sephora,urban outfitters, fed ex or sailor Jerry gift cards
Help packing
A tshirt that says "My other car is a handjob."

patent pending.

Claire Danes... Cut it out.

2009-04-22T02:38:00.000-07:00

Should have quit acting after "My So Called Life". Everything I see her now just annoys me. I just tried to watch Starlight for the 10th time. On paper it seems like I should love that movie, but I can't get past Claire's awful accent and the terribly confusing storyline. you know what I can get through every time? "Weekend at Bernies 2", heard of it?!

Scumbags.

2009-04-14T10:38:00.000-07:00

This week has been a full on attack from the Douchebag front.
Surprisingly the nicest guys I have met all week were the guys from Napalm Death. Such sweet boys.
The douchiness started when I was watching the news (TMZ) and they had a clip of Woody Harrelson attacking one of their photographers. He looked like he was having some sort of roid-rage and then released this statement..
"I wrapped a movie called Zombieland, in which I was constantly under assault by zombies, then flew to New York, still very much in character. With my daughter at the airport I was startled by a paparazzo, who I quite understandably mistook for a zombie."
This is why I am moving to LA, the weed there is GREAT!
What court would that hold up in?
Judge Alex would laugh him out of court.

Then my friend Gray told me that I needed to check out his friend's website
Sorry-Mom.com
This website documents scumbags and the girls who bang them and live to laugh about it. I have done this on a smaller scale right here but seeing them all lined up like this makes you wanna give up on dudes for a while.
I highly suggest that you check it out. I just like knowing that I am not the only one who makes mistakes.

Other scumbag things this week...
I talked to a guy-friend of mine to congratulate him for his baby that is due in July and he told me that he was having second thoughts about getting married and having kids.
This guy that I dated in the early part of this winter who started stalking me called me today from outside of my house. (Meanwhile he has a serious girlfriend that he lives with.)
A friend of mine saw a friend of hers beat the shit out of some dude at a bar and decided to go comfort him and then "accidentally" had sex with him. Hmm...I guess she just loves scumbags.
But then again...I think at some point we all do, because unfortunately not enough guys AREN'T scumbags.
When are men going to stop juggling women, talking shit about the women that they trick into blowing them, and start being strong and reliable?

Taylor Ramsauer is an ass ninja.

2009-04-13T22:02:00.000-07:00

These are my idiot friends.

Saturday I went to get a $20 tattoo from Patterson at Eponymy, this really nice ladies clothing boutique in Park Slope. While I waited to get a cute little umbrella I shopped through all of the vintage and new pieces and caught up with Diana. It was funny to see the juxtaposition of Adam tattooing in the window across from $300 dresses. When it came to be my turn it was over in almost no time. Then I said goodbye
to everyone and ran to the train to go up to Gramercy theater to meet up with Taylor on the Napalm Death bus and meet his road family. All of the guys were really sweet and seemed to really appreciate Taylor, which was nice to see. Blue came to the bus to meet up with us and we caught up a second and then went for falafel because Taylor is a vegan faggot now. Since there was nowhgere to sit we decided to eat while we stood outside, then in true National Lampoons style I drop half of my falafel on the ground
trying to answer my phone and a dog comes up and eats it. Hilarious. Well my phone ringing was my friend Chris who was taking me to see Dead Milkmen Friday, so I thought it'd be fair to invite him, and I'm glad a did. Once we were in the show Blue, Chris and I sat in the bar downstairs and watched to the show on the flat screens and made fun of the opening bands like Toxic Holocaust who kept yelling things like "HEEAADDBBAANNGGEERRRSS!" and "For this next song we wanna see ....(not a circle pit, not people banging heads...no..) A HUMAN SACRIFIIIICE!!" in a doom metal voice. Chris, Blue and I we almost in tears laughing at them. After the show we were waiting around for Taylor to wrap things up and he comes strolling out from the back stage with some
Suicide girl reject with purple bangs and a bridge piercing on his heels. When I asked her who she was he said she just showed up next to him back stage and then followed us on to the bus...then followed us in to Brooklyn. We went back to Last Exit to meet up with George,Leo and drink with Rachel. Rachel's friend Woody is doing sound for Napalm so everyone was reuniting with someone. Drinking ensued, then dancing on the bar, and ended with me losing Blue, Chris, and Taylor. When Taylor came up for air from making out with blue bangs he just hugged me and said "She is AWFUL!" and then he ran off with her again.. so I left. But it was a pretty rad night!

The Return of Celebrity Gang Bang of the Week

2009-04-12T19:13:00.000-07:00

Ok people I'm sorry I have been m.i.a. but I've been in a mild catatonic state. I'll blog about what i have/have not been doing at a later date. I have had little interest in even pretend banging these last few months, and then one night while watching animal planet, a surprise arousal occurred courtesy of
Brandon McMillan

Not only is he super hot, but he grew up with lion trainers as parents, and started training wild animals for film. I wonder if that sexy eyebrow scar is from a tiger pawing him in the face. I'm pretty sure he would be my perfect boyfriend, so if you know him please give him my phone number so he can take me to Africa.

Henry Cavil

The Tudors is a very sexy show, and Henry is certainly half the reason for that. He has one of those faces that is just so damn perfect. He was the guy who nearly had a lot of big roles, but was turned down for Superman, and some other big movies. Never fear Henry I think you will have a long career ahead of you.

Jesse James

I don't think I even need to explain what is hot about Jesse. He works on motorcycles, his hair is a dream and his tattoos are rad. He was married to Janine the porn star is about the hottest woman I have ever seen in real life, and now to Sandra Bullock, obviously this guy is doing something right. Also, his hands are really sexy, and would look great wrapped around my neck as he holds me up to make out with me.

Matthew Mcfadyen

It's difficult for me to not be in love with any guy who plays Mr. Darcy in Pride and Prejudice, so this was extra great when Matthew turned out to be so freaking cute that I just wanted to french him the whole movie.

This is two weeks worth of blog...

2009-04-10T19:19:00.000-07:00

I had a real crazy week.
It started on Thursday last week and doesn't end until may.
Actually I was just watching "Do it for the band:The women of Sunset Strip" on VH1 (basically it is a bunch of guys from hair metal bands, and their ex girlfriends talking about how all of these bands survived by the help of women)and I feel like this week was kind of the epitome of that.
Thursday night Jackie Roman invited me to see The Giraffes at Bowery electric.
I was pretty sad thinking that it might be the last time I see the booze fueled rock and roll bro-deo that is The Giraffes and that I had to go to the show by myself.
I left the show early because Georgia Peach was trying to hang out so I thought I'd head home and have him come over. He of course flaked and I got a good nights sleep which was a plus.

Friday I worked. I was pretty pumped on having a night off.
As soon as my ass hit the chair and I smoked a bowl my phone rang. It was Evan, my friend from Boston, he was here for the weekend and I promised his band that they could stay with me. So I picked myself up by the collar and dragged my ass out to Williamsburg. The only directions I got were "Its across from the American Apparel on North 6th.", so I show up and it's a cafe. I walk in and there is clearly no where that a band would be playing. I walk to the back, if I go left it is the kitchen, or go right to the bathroom line. I walk to the bathroom line and this guy steps out from behind a curtain that I thought was a wall and asks if I am looking for the show. I say "Ye..ss...?" and he says "Five bucks." so i pay and walk through a coatcheck into a huge venue that is as dark as an 8th grade basement makeout party.
So easy to find.
So around 1 am The Bodega Girls take the stage and turn that coatcheck ballroom into a full swing house party. They are so good, and Evan is just such a great front man, it is so great to see them.After the show we eat, drink, and drive back to my place to crash.

Saturday I got up and shopped with bodega girls on the Lower East Side, then we drove back out to Williamsburg because I had to go to Jackie Roman's bloody mary party.
So glug glug glug is what I did while I caught up with Jens and Jackie, and in no time flat it was time for me to go to Bushwick to see Hull for their homecoming show.
On the way there I got a text from my friend Melissa, she told me that she would be bartending the show I was going to.(Woot!)So I take a car service to The Jungle, which is basically a warehouse space for ravers with no sign. I show up at door time, which apparently was an hour early.Once I guide Melissa there we walk back to the freight elevator that they were calling a bar (it was on a freight elevator so that if the cops came they could close the door and go to another floor) she started setting up and I took a huge hit off of the bubbler that was sitting on the "bar", just as I exhaled someone said "Hey Liv, can you do the door for us?".
Shit.
I'm stoned!
Then I looked around and realized that at my most stoned I was the most together there, so I set up a little door table, got some change and a marker and worked the door. Crackula was amazing, and Hull melted faces, I was bummed that I couldn't give them my full attention but happy I could help. Afterwards Melissa and I revisited the 10th grade by drinking beers in a garage with the band until about 3am.

Sunday I woke up to a call from Pauly D,inviting me to Wrestlemania and an all meat bbq. It was very fun and super meaty. But it made me realize that Joey and Pauly hung out with the most boring girls I've probably ever met.
Maybe because I only really like hanging out with mean sluts.

Monday I had the best time at drag queen bingo with Murray Hill. I went with Jonathan, D, and Billy. We had so much fun trying to win prizes like "Slightly water damaged rolls of wrapping paper". I will be back next week for sure.

Tuesday i worked.

Wednesday I worked happy hour and went home after I got a text that Georgia Peach was going to come over. Right as I was buzzing him in for some reason I checked his facebook. It said that he was in a relationship with some bitch that was not me.
He passed out and I was wide awake...and pissed!
So i drew a sharpie tramp stamp on him that said "I Fuck in Jail" (shout out to The Giraffes) hoping that his GIRLFRIEND saw it before his dirty ass washed it off.
NEXT!

Thursday night I met up with D, Jazzy and Billy and we went to the Paper Magazine beautiful people party at Hiro ballroom. While we were waiting in line we saw a fashion show of the avant guard New Yorkers that think they are amazing when they are just a guy in a sweater that looks like a diaper.I looked to the left and saw a black guy with a pipe and a double billed tweed hat talking to another black guy in riding boots with a cane. I dubbed that new trend the Sherlock Homies. Just then a guy in a full tilt Nazi general outfit with an eye patch and a cape walked right between the two of them and I dubbed myself in some kind of fashion Twilight zone.
We get in and we see Man-gelina Jolie (James Haven) on the "red carpet".
Open bar.
Katy Perry performs.
We go to The Country Club, open bar #2.
Bottle service shows up right as we are leaving. Typical.
I get in a cab and see my amazing friend Mikey Cortes DJ at Porch bar. It was amazing to see him dj, he has come so far since the Cinco De Drinko party I threw like 4 years ago.He is one of my dearest friends and I don't talk to him enough. I know that if either of us had the time we would be so much closer. So if you ever see DJ Kittybat is playing your town then you should go see him and shake yo ass!

Friday I worked happy hour. Now I'm beat!

Tomorrow cheap tattoos with Adam Patterson .
http://www.shopeponymy.com/ink_well.html

And then tomorrow night My friend Taylor who I love dearly is here working the show I have waited 5 years, The Haunted and Napalm Death. I might puke from excitement.

You know, when I was 18 I hung out with 2 other girls who helped bands out. We all went to shows together,and we housed touring bands and promoted their shows, and booked their showsand loved every second of it.
Those two girls do porn now.
My ass is too fat, so I book shows.

The Osbournes reloaded FINALLY !

2009-04-01T19:32:00.000-07:00

Obviously I have always loved Ozzy Osbourne, and when the Osbournes reality show was on MTV I fell madly in love with his whole family, with a special affection for Kelly. I could watch them curse at each other and get new puppies and kitties all day- much like my own family. When the show went off the air it left a hole on my heart, and even though I have the first 2 seasons on DVD, I needed some new material- my prayers have been answered by the TV Gods with The Osbournes Reloaded. While it's a variety show not a reality show, it was pretty f'ing good. Highlights include The Osbournes taking over a fast food drive thru, and cursing at people and throwing food into their cars, forcing a guy to get married to his girlfriend of 7 years immediately or break up with her, and my personal favorite part of the show is Kelly's haircut. It makes me want to cut off all of my hair and donate it to mirkins of hope. I'm looking forward to seeing what else they have in store for us.

Watch the Osbournes on Fox Tuesdays at 9:30

Jonny's pimp hand is strong.

2009-03-29T18:27:00.000-07:00

In the last week my iPod has died twice!
Not having music when you are riding the subway can make it a very different experience. My MTA ride has become very dull and i find myself missing the music i just got from Olivia Lori.Since my computer is a dinosaur I can't load new music on my iPhone, but it's not so bad since itunes FINALLY made podcasts downloadable for iPhone! So I stocked up on Gay Pimpin with Jonny McGovern, which has taken the sting out of my life without music. I started listening to, and telling everyone I knew to listen to this podcast about two years ago when my friend Davey Makeout told me that I HAD to listen to him on the show. When I first heard it I felt plagiarized! All of the jokes I had made about Britney, other pop stars, wieners, and reality tv were all there! But with a just a sprinkle of man ladies, which of course made it 50 times better. So basically it is a total fucking dream, and way funnier than I could ever be!Each episode makes me feel like the actual conversations that I have when I catch up with my gays.(That will help when I move to LA and have no gays to brunch with!) I got to be on as a guest last year and I totally froze up. I'm not sure if any of it was even funny, I'm pretty sure it was just me giggling at the reality tv chat. So now I'm catching up on the last couple months and I'm back to laughing out loud on the subway and looking like a crazy person. Thank you Jonny,Davey,Linda and Erica.... But not you Martin!(well...Martin loads the show on to Itunes, so thank you too Martin.)
I suggest that everyone download ANY episode so you can crack up and learn more about tranny culture and vogue battles. I also strongly suggest any episode after a huge Britney mishap, because Jonny's reinactments are sometimes funnier than the actual mishap!

www.GayPimp.com -go to the "podcasts" section and download them, dummy.

Also,when i listen to it on my phone this picture stays on the screen...reeeeaalll tuff!

celebrity gang bang - Pretty boys!

2009-03-27T08:51:00.000-07:00

Last week I went out with a guy that I lovingly named "Pretty Bobby", He had dark hair and these huge blue eyes and two neck tattoos. And it was then that I realized that as much as I love grizzly viking types, I will always fall for a pretty boy. I never feel like I belong with them but I like to pretend that I do long enough to makeout with one. So this week's gang bang is all about the pretty boy that you can not say no to!

Gale Harold-
This pretty boy is single handedly responsible for getting me to watch 3 seasons of Queer as Folk. He had the hottest sex scenes.I was pretty sure one of my blow-js would turn him straight. His hair, his face, his body...all pretty and perfect, it doesn't even matter that he has a girl name!

Timothy Olyphant-
You have probably seen this pretty boy as the "hot boy toy" in basically everything. I like to think that he is a method actor who probably sleeps around a lot to stay sexy.
It was really hard for me to not use the picture of him with a tombstone moustache cause that's like the best of both worlds for me...but I decided on this picture..

Adam Lazzara-
Natasha is REALLY into Adam. I am too...but I was a bigger fan before I found out that he dated a few of my friends and then it made it all too real. I don't think I need to explain why he goes on the pretty boy list.

Adam Gregory-
Every time I'm bored to tears with 90210 there is new scandal with Adam's character. Also, since I have dated TWO 21 year olds this year I think I am officially a cougar.
Looking into his pretty pretty eyes makes me feel pretty dirty, but I'm kind of ok with it.

A day in the life of an unknown blogger.

2009-03-26T20:42:00.000-07:00

So yesterday AM I reached over a big heap of tattoos and ginger hair to turn off my alarm clock. It was 7:15 am. I bartended the night before so I was working on about two hours of sleep. I climbed into the shower, and got it together, yelled over my shoulder (to the really cute viking I was leaving in my bed)"Don't steal my stuff!" and was out of the house and on my way to East Village radio by 8:15.

Ruth had asked me to come in and talk about the blog on her Wednesday morning radio show "Hella Fabulous"and I was there at 9am.The show was really fun,I mean let's be real I can make dick jokes on no sleep and THANKFULLY that was a bulk of the show!
You can listen to the episode here...

http://www.eastvillageradio.com/modules.php?name=evrshow&showid=118

So after the show I got on the train and got back home to climb in my bed and sleep until it was time to go to the Bar 4 live taping of "Hella fabulous".
So I sleep until 7 and get up and go to Bar4. The show was great and afterward Ruth asked if I wanted to go see her boyfriend,Dom, at Southpaw because he was bartending a metal cover band night. Of course I say I'll go because the only thing I like more than a cover band is a metal cover band.Ruth's roommate, Jeremy,drives all of us over to Southpaw.So we walk in and look at the crowd of guys who hold their head and do a 90's metal bob and we look on the stage and see a video screen with tool videos in 3d playing behind a Tool cover band.

The whole room was full of tools, so it was very fitting. About half way through the show the singer announces that they want to bring some friends on the stage to do a very special performance. On to the stage walks a girl wearing latex pants, a black shirt and a slicked back red ponytail, behind her she was dragging a bald, older guy who was tattooed head to toe with about a trillion face tattoos and piercings. This couple then proceeds to perform the least erotic, erotic performance I have ever seen in my entire life. There was about 20 minutes of nude humping, tiny pierced boobs and a big flabby tattooed ass thrusting into this girl who I imagined was that goth, attention desperate girl in fairy wings, and it all put me in my dark place. I don't know why I didn't leave right away. I was frozen! I said goodbye to Ruth and Jeremy, got in a cab and went to Boat. I walked in still totally shocked, I walked up to my Wednesday crew and by the look om my face they knew something was wrong and when I told them what I had just seen they had the same wish that I did..."I want to wash my brain out with Ajax.". This is just Wednesday...I will be showering until Friday if anyone needs me.

Only You Tattoo in Atlanta is now OPEN!!

2009-03-25T20:59:00.000-07:00

Well it has finally happened,Danielle Distefano, Matt Greenhalgh and Chuck Donoghue opened Only You Tattoo in Atlanta Georgia. This was long overdue. Danielle, Matt and Chuck are such great artists and it is so great to see that they have finally opened a shop. I'm so proud of you DD Tatts!
I wish I had the money to come visit before LA. I've been getting really jealous of Erin Nicole's tattoos she has been coming home from Georgia with. So if you are passing through Atlanta go get tattooed!!

Only You Tattoo
415 Memorial Drive
Atlanta, GA
404-659-4900

http://www.myspace.com/onlyyoutattoo

I'm moving...for realsies you guys...

2009-03-24T16:17:00.000-07:00

New Yorkers are always hating on Los Angeles, I mean, I used to do it all of the time.
I would go as far as to make gagging sounds when people would mention that they were thinking of moving to LA. And now I feel like I am in some kind of underground society looking for someone who agrees that LA would be better for me.The reality of it is, I have been pretty unhappy here for a long time. For years I have psyched out my friends by saying I was moving to Philadelphia, Georgia and even the dreaded Florida!(I have to be pretty miserable to even consider Florida again.)Since I have cried wolf so many times over the years it is no surprise that some of my friends don't really believe that I am moving. But all of the gears are in motion whether I like it or not...

Reasons to Leave New York
- Winter sucks.
- No one ever hangs out here.
- Almost all of my friends have either moved or live in California already.
- If I stay here I will probably just stay a bartender and never do anything amazing.
- This big city has really started feeling like a small town.
- I'm sick of going everywhere alone.
- Most of the people who live here seem to have moved here from Iowa after watching 3 episodes of Gossip Girl and the Sex and the City box set.
- I don't ever have those mind blowing "Only in New York.." kinds of nights anymore.
- I'm sick of going back to all of the same old losers, and maybe distance and deleting contacts will help with that .
-I feel like I need to purge and start over...it's been a while...

Why California is a good idea
- going to the beach is alright.
- It will force me to learn how to drive.
- I need new experiences.
- Living in a bigger apartment that possibly has a pool would be a dream.
- Different opportunities.
- I'm a little bit in love with the idea of shopping at Big Box stores and eating at Sharky's.
- I already have very fun,really cool friends there that I love and trust there.
- New guys.

Why this could be a huge mistake
- I DO have some great friends here like Davey, D, Billy, Justin,all of my Brooklyn friends and the 467 crew and a bunch more.
- My apartment is a great deal and I will never be able to live in New York like this again.
- There is a lack of jobs everywhere and even though I only make $60 a shift right now , it IS better than nothing .
- My job is really great and the people are really fun.
- I will have to give away everything .
- New competition.
- It's LA!

I'm retarded